The Patricia Spadaro blog ~ Inner Essentials

Life is never a one-size-fits-all formula. If you are to develop and give your gifts (that’s why we’re here, isn’t it?), you must honor who you are and celebrate your own voice. That means embracing the paradox that while it’s important to value the mentors and role models who guide us, we must also rely on ourselves and honor our own style.

Depending solely on others is like taking a long walk in borrowed shoes. If the shoes are even a bit too big or small, they can be very uncomfortable. If you walk long enough under those conditions, you’ll get blisters. Eventually the pain becomes so bad that you can’t go on. That’s what happens to you when you force yourself into a mold that isn’t your own. The remedy: walk at your own pace and in your own shoes.

Admittedly, I’ve been somewhat recalcitrant on this point, and therefore life has generously given me many lessons to teach me to trust myself and to be myself. One dramatic lesson came when I was hiking in the beautiful Teton Range near Jackson Hole, Wyoming, with two friends. Both walked briskly, covering more ground more quickly than I could. At the time, I didn’t think about the fact that nature had endowed these women with long, strapping legs that could scramble up the steep path like mountain goats. Instead, I blamed myself for not being able to match their pace.

“Something is wrong with me,” I thought to myself. “I must really be out of shape. If I just push a little harder, I can keep up.” So that’s what I did. I pushed, and then pushed some more. My strategy worked, but halfway through the hike, the consequences set in. I pulled a muscle in my hip without realizing it. The ache I felt at the time was tolerable until we started the long descent down the mountain. At that point, every step I took was painful. It hurt so much that I couldn’t even bear to carry my small backpack.

I don’t remember much about the sights, smells, or sounds of that day. I don’t remember much of anything except the pain. I forfeited my ability to enjoy the trek by struggling to keep up with someone else. But I did learn an invaluable lesson: if you don’t walk at your own pace, you will only end up hurting yourself.

Over the years, when I’ve been tempted to take an action that doesn’t honor my own style, speed, or destination, I’ve thought back to that experience. In a few cases, I wish I had recalled that episode sooner. It might have saved me the anguish of another long practice session in self-reliance.

The myth: I can make the same choices and take the same steps that have worked for others.

The magic (and the paradox): I value my mentors, but I also ask my own questions, seek my own answers, and shape my own life. I embrace the paradox that to fulfill my reason for being, I must learn from my mentors AND rely on myself.

For your reflection:
“Insist on yourself; never imitate. . . . Do that which is assigned to you, and you cannot hope too much or dare too much.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson

- Are you trying to keep up with someone or fit into someone else’s mold? How?

- Is that limiting your expression of your true self?

- What will you do next to step out of that mold and be your authentic self?

Join the conversation and share your comments, questions, and lessons with us.

Tags: authentic, blame, dependence, honor yourself, mentors, pain, paradox, role models, self reliance, trust yourself

Are you honoring the paradox of dependence and independence?

We honor ourselves when we ask for the support we need. And yet there are times when life compels us to rely on ourselves because flying solo is exactly what we need.

The following story from the Hasidic tradition of Judaism highlights why self-reliance is indispensable. A young rabbi complained to his mentor that he felt full of life when he studied, but when he turned away from that source of support and went about his daily activities, this mood disappeared. “What should I do?” he asked. His astute teacher replied with an apt analogy: “You must be like the man who is walking through the forest in the dark accompanied by a friend. A time will come when the two companions must part and each must go his own way alone. Neither will fear the darkness if he carries his own lantern.”

When it comes down to it, you have to be able to depend on yourself to light your way. You must be the guiding star in your life and make the decisions that allow you to live and give your fullest. In an odd sort of way, though, we may avoid doing just that because we’re afraid to step out onto center stage.

Do you avoid self-reliance—and at what cost?

At subconscious levels, we may develop a habit of continually sacrificing for or depending on others as a way to avoid the sometimes scary process of stepping out of our comfortable cocoon and developing our real gifts. Developing a habit of over-sacrificing for others can even be a way to avoid the confrontations that we think may come when we begin to assert our right to be at the top of our priority list. All that, however, comes with a cost. Sacrifice can be a mask that we put on and then become so used to that we forget that the face we are showing to the world, and to ourselves, is not our real face.

Don’t get me wrong—sacrifice is a beautiful virtue when it comes from the heart. But to use sacrifice as a way to avoid facing our fears or shaping our own futures, is a cop-out. It’s handing over our choices to someone else. It’s like accepting a supporting role in someone else’s drama when you should be playing the leading role in your own life story.

Every part of life, as it grows and evolves, naturally moves between seeking support and flying solo, between giving and receiving. Only when those elements are in balance can we make real and lasting progress. Navigating the paradox of dependence and independence in relationships requires a keen sense of balance. There can be a blurred line between receiving help and allowing a partner or mentor to control your life—or between giving help and stifling a loved one’s opportunity to grow and blossom. Here are some questions and tips to help you reflect on whether you’re the guiding star in your own life right now.

For your reflection: Are you your own guiding star?

>> Are you in a relationship with someone who is making decisions that you should be making or who is trying to manage your life?

>> What would you like to tell that person about how you are feeling? What would you like to request of him or her? Try crafting what you want to say on paper before explaining it in person. You may even need to send your message in writing to fully express what you find it hard to say in person.

>> Follow up to make sure your partner understands what you are asking and that you both have the same expectations going forward.

Remember: Giving yourself room to be your own person isn’t about pushing the other person in your relationship out, but about counting yourself in.

For more about navigating the paradox of seeking support and flying solo, see my book Honor Yourself : The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving, chapter 4.

(For Part 1 of this article, click here.)

Tags: dependence, flying solo, hasidic tradition, healthy relationships, honor yourself, paradox, sacrifice, self reliance, togetherness

Honor your relationships by honoring yourself—a different approach to relationships that can make all the difference.

Relationships, like most things in life, are paradoxical. Healthy relationships require an artful swing between dependence and independence, togetherness and solitude. Even in the closest of connections, where mutual support should come with the territory, it’s essential to strike a balance between leaning on another and standing strong and tall on your own.

One of the most valuable pieces of advice I received as a newlywed years ago was from a friend who was also a psychologist. “If you ever notice yourself or your husband becoming snappy, edgy, or just plain grouchy, it doesn’t mean the relationship is in trouble,” she said. “Take it as a sign that you may simply need some healthy time apart.” Her words echoed these lines from one of my favorite writers, the Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran: “Let there be spaces in your togetherness. . . . Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.”

The myth: Constant support, sacrifice, and togetherness create the best relationships.

The magic (the liberating truth and paradox): My relationships are stronger when I also pursue my own interests and nurture my individual strengths.

The real magic takes place when everyone in a relationship, including you, is free to realize his or her full potential—and when you give yourself permission to spend quiet, quality moments doing what energizes you. If an intimate relationship suddenly seems off balance or smothering, be sure you are giving yourself enough time and space to build your own strengths and pursue the desires of your own heart.

For Your Reflection:

>> Do you find yourself becoming easily irritated with your partner? You may become annoyed with those you love not because they are doing something outrageous but because you simply need some breathing space—some time to honor yourself. Having a close relationship doesn’t mean you should give up being yourself. No two people have all the same interests, and it’s not healthy to expect that to be the case.

>> Ask yourself: Are there spaces in your togetherness? Do you allow and encourage yourself and your partner to pursue your own individual interests?

>> Try taking some dedicated time for yourself and allow your partner to do the same. That act of open-hearted generosity will create more vibrancy when the two of you come together again, and you’ll have more to offer each other, and the world, as a result.

Adapted from my book Honor Yourself: The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving

For Part 2 of this article, click here.

Tags: healthy relationships, honor yourself, paradox, sacrifice, togetherness

Your sense of self-worth—how you value yourself, your innate value, and your gifts—guides your life. It determines how others see you and treat you, what kind of people show up in your life, how you act and react. Your self-esteem determines how you make choices and set priorities moment by moment, every day.

What does it mean to “esteem”? Here are some definitions:  As a noun, “esteem” means: worth or value.  The verb “to esteem” means: to set a high value on; regard highly and prize as such; to regard with admiration and respect; to honor.  Self-esteem, then, is self-respect—to value yourself and prize yourself as valued.

But what does self-esteem really look like? That’s the challenge that was set before me by the folks at Beliefnet.com, who asked me to come up with a quiz to help people get a better idea of their own sense of self-worth. The result: a self-esteem quiz based on core concepts in my book Honor Yourself: The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving.

How did I come up with the quiz? First, I looked at my own challenges. Over the years, I’ve definitely had to work on honoring myself—on prizing myself enough to stand up for myself and my priorities (and I’m still working on honing that skill—hence my book on that topic!). Next, I started to open my eyes and observe more closely the healthy and not-so-healthy reactions of others in the down-to-earth, everyday situations we all face. It’s how we handle these daily decisions that reflect how much we really honor ourselves.

If you want to get practical about what self-esteem looks like (and doesn’t), try the quiz for yourself  here.

I’d love to hear if there was anything in the quiz that turned on a lightbulb for you about your self-esteem and self-worth. What did you get inspired to do—or be—more of?

• Did you learn something new about yourself?
• Did you see any new patterns that you didn’t realize were there before?
• Did you make any new decisions about how you are going to act and react? What are they?

Tags: challenges, choices, honor yourself, quiz, self respect, self worth, self-esteem, set priorities

At a book signing for my new book Honor Yourself last summer, I met a special young lady who taught me to appreciate the “firsts” in life—no matter what age we are.

She was about 5 or 6 years old, and she told me about a trip she would be making in a few months to Virginia for a wedding.With just a touch of timidity and a heart full of excitement, she explained to me that it was the first time ever she would be flying on an airplane. As we talked, we realized that it was also the first wedding she would be attending, the first time she would be a flower girl, the first visit she would be making to  Virginia, and the first time she would be in the spotlight, walking down the aisle in front of a lot of people. I watched her eyes open wider and wider as it dawned on her how many new experiences she was going to have.

Come to think of it, her life is chock full of “firsts.” It was probably the first summer she had ever gotten her face painted and even the first time she had ever stopped by a book signing. It was certainly the first time she was able to read the words off the pages of my new book (she really is reading in that picture!).

Running through all those “firsts” with her was refreshing. After all, that’s what puts the sparkle into life, isn’t it—experiencing new things, or at least doing the things we do as if we are touching, feeling, tasting, and seeing them for the first time?

As I started the new year and pondered the goals I would set for myself, my mind wandered back to my new friend. I asked myself: How many simple and joyful “firsts” had entered my life last year? How many was I banking on this year?

Opening Up to the New and Wonderful

I realized in that moment that we don’t have to be a little child to keep counting our “firsts.” Our new experiences don’t have to stop when we’re 10 years old or 30 or 60 or even 90. In fact, whether it’s biting into a juicy, new kind of fruit we’ve never tasted before or sharing a moment of laughter with a chance acquaintance, it’s the “firsts” that keep the excitement in our eyes and the skip in our step.

I suspect that’s part of what the sages of East and West meant when they talked about “becoming as a little child.” You’ve heard those famous lines from Jesus before: “Whosoever shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven” and “Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein.”

As it turns out, Taoists sages use similar language as they inspire us to become like an “infant” or “the uncarved block.” Those images are ideals for living life as it is meant to be. The infant is a model for returning to simplicity and being fully receptive, exploring life anew without preconceived notions—being childlike in the most beautiful and sensitive sense of the word. Continuing to delight in new “firsts” helps us to hold on to our sense of wonder and delicious expectation. To experiment, open up, and see things in new ways.

Cultivating that refreshing sense of newness and adventure may take some deliberate effort. It’s all too easy to fall into the sameness of our  habits. But if you think about it, there are a myriad of ways to invite new experiences into your life.

You can listen to a different kind of music, paint a brand-new piece of pottery, or watch an entirely new genre of movie or a foreign film. You can try your hand at a new sport or game, intentionally tune in to a program with a different political slant than you usually listen to,  or invite a new acquaintance over for dinner. How about cooking an exotic food you’ve never tasted before or taking a short trip to a nearby town or wilderness area you’ve never visited, slowly savoring the new sights, sounds, and smells. Or simply bite into an ice cream cone with a zany new flavor you never imagined possible.

As for me, I’m not quite ready for skydiving, but learning some Spanish and some new dance steps sounds like a lot of fun! Hola!

Honor yourself—your childlike self—by trying this:

• Without holding yourself back or filtering out any possibilities that come to mind, write down a list of “firsts” you’d like to savor.

• Ask yourself what new acquaintances you want to spend time with and write that down too.

• Add a new “first” to your to-do list each week or month. Instead of collapsing on the weekend into your usual routine, spice things up.

• Take some time after your new “first” to reflect on what you experienced, how it made you feel, what you learned.

• Put a reminder on your calendar in two months to revisit your list of “firsts” and add to it.

What are the “firsts” on your list this week/month/year? I’d love to hear about them. If you have a moment, share them with us by leaving a comment!

Tags: firsts, fun, honor yourself, little child, new experiences, new year, opening, seeing, spirituality, Taoism

While the end of the year and the holiday season can be a time of joy, it can also be a time of loss and grieving as loved ones pass on or we are reminded of those who shared the holidays with us in the past. The final months of the year do seem to be a time of physical passage. In the last few months, several of my own friends have had to deal with the passing of parents or long-time friends.

Here’s one way to make the passage a bit easier for you, especially if you were not able to say your last goodbyes. In my travels, I once met a German woman who seemed upset and was having a hard time enjoying her vacation. She told my husband and I tearfully that her mother had recently passed on unexpectedly and she had never been able to say her last goodbyes.  As I shared this same advice with her, her face suddenly lit up.  It had lifted a bit of the burden she felt, and she was very grateful.  (You can adapt this same ritual to help you move through and honor the ending of any relationship or incident in your life.)

1. Carve out some quality time alone.

2. Take a clean piece of paper and write a letter to the heart and soul of a parent, partner, or friend who has moved on. Tell them in this inner message how you feel and what you most appreciated about them. Let them know what you didn’t get to tell them, perhaps even what you regret about your relationship over the years and any pain you felt.

3. Even if you had a difficult relationship with this person, make a point in your letter of recognizing the gifts that he or she passed on to you or the strengths you developed as a result of your relationship.

4. Then burn the letter (be sure to do it in a safe place!) as you ask God (using whatever name you prefer to address the creative Spirit of the universe) to carry this message at inner levels to those who have passed on.

Physical rituals like this can help you bring closure, find a sense of peace, and move on more quickly.

Remember: The greatest gifts that loved ones give us are the gifts that still live on within us. We honor those who have passed on by discovering what they have given us and allowing those gifts to express through us.

Think about this:

•  Are you missing someone in your life?
•  What gifts did he/she give you?
•  How will you continue to express those gifts in his/her honor?

Tags: closure, grieving, hard time, honor endings, loss, parent, ritual

You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. —Kahlil Gibran

Let’s face it—many of us are still rushing around to buy the people we love the most their holiday gifts, huffing and puffing all the way.  Here’s a story that’s a perfect reminder of why getting a physical gift for someone may not always be the best choice. We have so much more to give…

Margaret has been operating for most of her life on the premise that the time we share with a friend is far more important than giving or getting a physical gift. Born and raised in Ireland, she grew up in an environment where children, not adults, received gifts for holidays. One year, Margaret explained how she felt about gift-giving to Sandra, a co-worker who had become a good friend. Margaret pulled her new friend aside and bluntly told her: “It’s time for me to give you the lecture I give all my friends. Don’t get me a Christmas present or a birthday present, because I don’t want one. What am I going to do with more things? If you want to go out to lunch with me, that’s fine because then we get to spend time together. But if you get me a gift, you’ll just have to work harder to pay for it—and then you’ll have even less time to spend with me.”

It was Sandra who shared this story with me. “I actually felt relieved when I heard this,” she admitted, “and I appreciated my friendship with Margaret even more.” Sandra went on to tell me that a few years ago for Christmas, she had decided to do something similar. She told her relatives and close friends that instead of buying them material gifts, she wanted to spend some time alone with them. “It was the best Christmas I ever had,” she recalled, smiling. “I was able to spend time with all my favorite people and I wasn’t rushing around shopping. I didn’t even go to the mall once!”

You don’t have to spend a lot of money to be a good giver. It’s your inner gifts, the ones that touch another, heart to heart, that are the most precious offerings.

(Story taken from “Honor Yourself: The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving”)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Just this week a young mother with three small children told me a similar story that reflected her values: “My husband  and I are choosing to work less so we can spend more time with our children rather than buying them lots and lots of stuff, which they don’t really need. We want to give our children as much time and attention as we can right now—when it’s most important.”

Not all of us have the option of working less, but we all face a similar decision point: What’s more important—spending quality time with the people who mean the most to me?  Or spending time away from the people I love to make more money or do the things I think I’m supposed to be doing to get ahead?

(And by the way, that picture above is of my kitties,  who are constantly trying to teach me—with mixed results—how important it is to spend time in the “now” with the ones we love.)

Tags: attention, giving, heart, holiday gifts, holidays, Kahlil Gibran, material gifts, time

One of the most significant gifts we can give in this modern, busy time of ours is our time. With so many demands placed upon us, we often find ourselves talking or listening to someone who needs us while we are also driving, watching TV, answering our cell phones, text messaging, making dinner, going through a stack of mail, or taking in everything else going on around us. We’re only half there. Sound familiar?

The sages of both East and West understood the importance of focused attention—of being mindful and fully aware in the now. The Christian monastic Basil of Caesarea, for instance, said, “You cannot succeed in loving God or your neighbor . . . if your mind is perpetually distracted.” To the Zen masters, full awareness of and openness to what is taking place in the moment is indispensable. A famous Zen master put it this way: “When walking, just walk. When sitting, just sit. But above all, don’t wobble!”

It’s impossible to be fully giving unless we are giving our full attention. That may sound obvious and even simple, but how often do we do it? How often do we maintain an unbroken connection with those who need us?

The Unbroken Circle—Learning from Lovers

Giving your undivided attention is a gift that is both nurturing and healing. It breeds that rare and precious commodity of true intimacy and connectedness. To understand this better, think about how you can tell when two people are deeply in love. As the saying goes, lovers only have eyes for each other. Each one’s gaze is fixed on the beloved—so much so that they don’t notice what is going on around them.

When we are locked in that warm embrace of an unbroken circle of energy, we know that at that moment we are the sole object of our partner’s attention. We feel deeply loved and supported. In fact, a focused, heart-centered connection is an essential ingredient for good relationships in any setting.

I watched the transformative power of focused attention in action when I was supervising a large department of editors and researchers. I would be at my desk hearing about issues that needed attention and, at the same time, my phone would inevitably ring, bringing news of some urgent problem that needed to be solved. I didn’t realize how exasperating and even disrespectful my taking those calls felt to my teammates until one of them pointed this out to me.

I started to turn off the phone and let the calls go through to my answering machine when I was engaged in crucial or timely conversations. As a result, I was able to understand and resolve issues more quickly. More importantly, this helped create more connected and compassionate relationships with my co-workers.

Tags: attention, giving, heart, relationships, time, true intimacy, undivided attention, zen

Better than bigger is the gift of the heart.

As little children size up their stack of birthday or holiday gifts, bigger and more always seem better. I’ll never forget the sobs that came from a little niece of mine one Christmas morning when she finished unwrapping the two gifts my husband and I had given her, only to see that her sister had an extra package from us to open. She felt cheated, even though we had carefully spent equal amounts of money on them both.

As adults, we may still pull out the mental measuring stick when it comes time to open our gifts. Yet take a moment and think about the times, as a child or adult, when you felt most happy, joyful, or at peace. Were those moments really defined by how much money someone spent on you? Or was it the time and attention you received or the intimacy and connection you experienced that made you feel exuberant?

The best gifts aren’t necessarily the biggest and most expensive ones. As the renowned Lebanese writer Kahlil Gibran wisely observed, “You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.” Do you have an experience you can bring to mind to remind yourself of that truth? I do.

One summer day, not long after my husband and I had moved into a new home, my almost five-year-old neighbor Sophie peeked through the bushes separating her backyard from mine and introduced herself. After she and I had exchanged some important facts about each other, like how old she and her sister were and the names of my kitties, she suddenly asked, “What’s your favorite color?” “Well, I like yellow,” I replied. In an instant, she was off, disappearing around the side of her house and calling behind her shoulder, “Stay right there, stay right there!” When she returned, she came bearing gifts. “Here’s a flower from our garden,” she announced, “a yellow flower.” With a smile big enough for the both of us, she stretched her arm toward me. She was carefully holding between her fingers a perfect yellow pansy.

It’s been a few years since Sophie graced me with her pansy and I’m sure she’s forgotten all about it. But I’ll never forget her gift—and the smile that leapt from her heart and landed smack in the middle of mine. Sophie knew instinctively what the beloved classic of India, the Bhagavad Gita, has taught for millennia: “He who offers to me [God] with devotion only a leaf, or a flower, or a fruit, or even a little water, this I accept from that yearning soul, because with a pure heart it was offered with love.” It’s not just what you give but how you give that counts. It’s not the size of the gift but the size of your heart.

How big is your heart?

Tags: Bhagavad Gita, giving, heart, Kahlil Gibran

I just posted a new article on “Clearing Space for What’s Important.”  It occurred to me, why wait until the new year to start a new habit? Here’s a good one to start right now, before the holiday madness sets in:  Getting your priorities straight. Making room for what’s really important at the end of the year. Letting go of some of the things on your “must-do” list.

The paradox / mantra / mindful intention that can help you with this habit: “Saying no, when appropriate, will enable me to say yes to what’s really important.”

So check out these 4 steps to creating your “end-of-the-year” resolution. I encourage you to take time to do it now. Otherwise you might find, as Ginger Rogers once said, that “if you don’t stand for something, you’ll stand for anything.”

I invite you to share what’s working for you:

• What new choices have you made for how you will spend your time?
• What’s most important to you?
• What have you crossed of your “must do” list? And how does that feel?

Tags: honor yourself, priorities