{"id":1219,"date":"2013-05-29T17:03:13","date_gmt":"2013-05-29T23:03:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.practicalspirituality.info\/inneressentials\/?p=1219"},"modified":"2016-02-19T14:04:49","modified_gmt":"2016-02-19T21:04:49","slug":"are-you-really-listening","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.practicalspirituality.info\/inneressentials\/2013\/05\/29\/are-you-really-listening\/","title":{"rendered":"Are You (Really) Listening?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>\u201cI wish to learn, will you teach me?\u201d a man once asked the Sufi teacher Libnani.<\/p>\n

\u201cI do not feel that you know how to learn,\u201d answered the teacher.<\/p>\n

\u201cThen can you teach me how<\/em> to learn?\u201d countered the man.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan you learn how to let me teach<\/em>?\u201d was the reply.<\/p>\n

What sometimes keeps us from learning\u2014whether from a sage, from our relationships or co-workers, or from the ups and downs of daily life\u2014is that we don\u2019t know how to let others teach us. We don\u2019t know how to shut off our own mind and hear.<\/p>\n

Listening Is One Thing, but Hearing Is Another<\/strong><\/p>\n

True listening is an art\u2014one that involves what renowned physicist David Bohm called the ability to \u201csuspend your assumptions.\u201d Bohm worked in the field on quantum physics and was also a champion of dialogue. For him, dialogue was an application of the key quantum themes of interconnectedness and flow.<\/p>\n

Dialogue, in the way Bohm means it, takes place with respect and the suspension of judgment as one listens to others. \u201cContrast this,\u201d he writes, \u201cwith the word ‘discussion’, which has the same root as ‘percussion’ and ‘concussion’. It really means to break things up…. Discussion is almost like a ping-pong game, where people are batting the ideas back and forth and the object of the game is to win or to get points for yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

Think about the difficult conversations you have had with people at work or family members. If we\u2019re honest, how many of those \u201cdiscussions\u201d feel more like a \u201cconcussion\u201d or \u201cpercussion\u201d\u2014more like an attempt to break up or smash the other person\u2019s viewpoint with that final coup de grace<\/em> to guarantee that one point of view is triumphant (think \u201chammer\u201d more than \u201cping-pong paddle\u201d).<\/p>\n

But winning by putting down or annihilating others’ opinions isn\u2019t constructive when we\u2019re forging ongoing relationships or solving problems in the Middle East, for example, is it?<\/p>\n

For Best Results, Check the Hammer at the Door<\/strong><\/p>\n

The trouble in our testy interactions often starts because, as Bohm puts it, we experience our opinions as \u201cthe truth.\u201d Yet our opinions are often just assumptions that come from listening to teachers or family members or others we consider influential. And then we become so attached to those opinions that when someone challenges them, we react as if they were challenging (attacking) us.<\/em> When that happens, we don\u2019t listen; we resist. We shut down and shut out new information that can help all of us see more clearly.<\/p>\n

Likewise, when we shut others out by not listening to them, we shut them down and even unintentionally turn them into enemies. \u201cIf somebody doesn\u2019t listen to your basic assumptions,\u201d says Bohm, \u201cyou feel it as an act of violence, and then you are inclined to be violent yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

What\u2019s even worse, this defensive behavior hurts us. When we have opinions or assumptions we defend, this \u201cinterferes with creativity,\u201d says Bohm. \u201cIf you are defending an assumption, you are pushing out whatever is new.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s<\/em> what causes our lives to become stagnant, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

Looking for more fruitful, creative interaction? Check the ping-pong paddle and hammer at the door. Instead, bring your heart.<\/em><\/strong> Dialogue has this key element: we open ourselves up to questioning what Bohm calls our \u201cfundamental assumptions.\u201d We listen instead of trying to defend our own opinions because we admit that we just might have something to learn.<\/p>\n

In true dialogue, says Bohm, rather than resisting another viewpoint while we\u2019re hearing it, we create \u201can empty space where anything may come in\u201d and \u201cwhere we are not obliged to do anything, nor to come to any conclusions.\u201d We can simply let all the opinions and assumptions surface and suspend our own assumptions for the moment.<\/p>\n

What does he mean by \u201csuspend assumptions\u201d? When you become aware of your own and others assumptions, \u201cyou don’t believe them, nor do you disbelieve them; you don’t judge them as good or bad.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 You simply look at the assumptions. You don\u2019t try to change anybody’s opinion, he says, and you may or may not change yours in the end.<\/p>\n

What matters is that the process of openness and sharing has the potential to create change because it changes the playing field. With everything out in the open, there is suddenly a new \u201cshared meaning.\u201d<\/p>\n

Shared meaning is what \u201cholds people and societies together,\u201d says Bohm. Out of this new \u201cflow of meaning,\u201d as he puts it, a new understanding can emerge.<\/p>\n

Cultivate an Empty Space: Inquiry versus Advocacy<\/strong><\/p>\n

Asking questions instead of pushing our agendas can be healing. I\u2019ll never forget seeing that in action when I was attending a team meeting where I once worked. We were in discussion about combining teams and moving to a new work area and how that would look.\u00a0 People were excited about the new idea with lots of talking going on, except for one person. She just sat silent, her lips pressed tightly together, rigid as a board. Several minutes went by and still no comment from her. I finally turned to her and asked: \u201cHow do you feel about this?\u201d\u00a0 Then the truth came spilling out. She had real problems with the issue at hand, and some good points, too, that we had completely overlooked. I don\u2019t even remember what the real issue was now, but I\u2019ll never forget the feeling of having unleashed something important by asking a question<\/em> instead of pushing an agenda.<\/p>\n

I love the idea of inquiry versus advocacy. Listening and observing versus reacting and defending. Leaving the empty space for something new, something unexpected to be born. Not judging, but simply being with what is.<\/p>\n

That practice\u2014call it mindfulness, emptiness, dialogue, or something else\u2014is not just the foundation of conflict resolution but the way we open to the unfolding meaning of our own lives. It\u2019s a way to honor ourselves and others.<\/p>\n

Part of honoring yourself\u2014your true self\u2014is not being afraid to change your mind because you\u2019ve allowed yourself to hear something new.\u00a0 Betrand Russell, a twentieth-century British philosopher, was once asked if he would be prepared to die for his beliefs.\u00a0 He was wise enough to respond:\u00a0 \u201cOf course not. After all, I may be wrong.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

Honoring yourself and others is recognizing that an open mind and an open heart are your greatest allies.\u00a0 Life is teaching us all the time, but we won\u2019t get the message if we aren\u2019t willing to hear it.\u00a0 We can\u2019t learn from life\u2019s twists and turns and unexpected bumps unless we know how to listen. We can\u2019t give birth to something new unless we clear the space for it to be born.<\/p>\n

One more thing…<\/em>
\nWhat about the conversations we often have within ourselves\u2014the internal banter when one part of us argues with another part of us, often over conflicting desires or needs (“I want to do this…” “But wait a minute, you can’t do that\u2014you’ll make a fool of yourself…”)\u00a0 Interestingly, Bohm says: “Even one person can have a sense of dialogue within himself, if the spirit of the dialogue is present.”\u00a0 That means you can allow all the different voices inside of you to express how they feel instead of, say, letting the loudest voice (of judgment, worry, or fear) dismissively shut down the creative, experimental, playful part of you.\u00a0 You can make sure all the inner opinions get to surface without squashing some of them before they can even make a peep. That’s helpful when we have a habit of self-criticizing and conforming.<\/p>\n

Some Takeaways:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cLove will go away if we can\u2019t communicate and share meaning.\u201d<\/em>
\n\u2014David Bohm<\/p>\n

The next time you need to talk over something difficult with a friend, a partner, or a co-worker, try wielding an open heart instead of a hammer in your interactions:<\/p>\n