As adults, we may still pull out the measuring stick when it’s time to exchange gifts. Not only that, but we tend to think that “giving” happens when we hand over something that is wrapped and tied with a bow and ribbon.

Yet take a moment and think about the times, as a child or adult, when you felt most happy, joyful, or at peace. Were those special times in your life really defined by how much money someone spent on you? Or was it the attention you received or the intimacy and connection you experienced that made you feel exuberant?

The gift that matters the most is the gift of your attention, your time—your presence. That’s what can turn holidays and celebrations into feasts of the heart.

Here are a few ideas to help you tap the power of presence as you give your gifts:

The present of presence.
Instead of a material gift, why not devote some time, one on one, with the special people in your life as your gift? Enjoy a musical event together or a long lunch or a fun activity—just the two of you. When you’re with the other person, practice being really present, avoiding distractions that are so easy to succumb to. Be sure to turn off your phone or Blackberry and let yourself be fully engaged.

The gift of listening.
If you’ve had a touchy relationship lately, let your present be this: Don’t talk. Listen. Try asking questions that show you truly want to hear what the other person has to say (like “What do you need from me right now?”), and then resist the urge to interrupt.

The power of the generous heart.
Make a date to do something the other person enjoys, even if you don’t. If you know your friend, partner, parent, child, or spouse likes to listen to choral music or attend a football game or watch a silly movie, even though it absolutely bores you, do it anyway this once. Throw yourself into the experience. After all, it’s a gift. It’s not about what you’re doing; it’s about what you’re experiencing together and how it makes that person in your life feel.

The gift you give yourself will help others.
“What do I want?” That’s not something we often ask ourselves at Christmastime when we’re busy taking care of others. Try giving yourself something in the middle of all the busyness. If you give to yourself—even if it’s just a little precious time alone, permission to say no to attending one more holiday party, treating yourself to a movie no one else wants to see with you, or even wrapping up a gift you buy for yourself and putting it under the tree—you’ll be doing everyone in your life a favor. You’ll be a much happier person to be around when you honor yourself!

Try one or more of these tips and share your results with us . . .

In many ways, peace is a paradox. Peace is soft and it’s strong. It’s open to listening and it takes a stand. Sometimes we think that “peaceful” means having no challenges, upsets, or obstacles in our lives. But that’s a passive kind of life, and a peaceful person is never passive or a milquetoast—compliant, submissive, or spineless.

Think about these three paragons of peace—Saint Francis,  Mother Teresa (a Nobel Peace Prize winner), and Mahatma Gandhi (who was nominated five times for the Nobel Peace Prize, though never awarded it). Can you imagine any of them being passive?

I had a chance to think about the quality of peace when I was asked by author, retreat leader, and meditation teacher Ruth Fishel to write a short piece on peace to be included in her beautiful book called Peace in Our Hearts, Peace in the World: Meditations of Hope and Healing. Here’s what I wrote:

Peace, like so many things in life, is not always what we think it is. Peace is not an absence of activity and it is not passivity, any more than it is walking away from our responsibilities to retreat to an island in the Pacific. Peace takes purposeful action but from a center point that is open and receptive, for it knows that there is always more to know.

When peace is at work within us, we trust deeply that what is at our door, or in our face, is exactly what we need right now. We ask plenty of questions and then leave enough space to listen for the answers. And we accept that what we hear may reveal a new place inside of us that we haven’t known before.

While peace can step back to listen and learn, it’s not afraid to step forward to speak. Peace can courageously take a stand for something or someone but in a way that doesn’t belittle anything or anyone. When we come from a place of peace, we don’t have to make someone else wrong in order to affirm what is right for us.

In short, peace is passionate, is present, and is therefore supremely powerful.

What’s your definition of peace? And how do you experience the paradox of peace?

In his work, Malsow found that connecting with our inner voice is extremely important. He said that people who are psychologically strong and healthy are “able to hear their inner-feeling-voices more clearly than most people.” They use internal not external criteria when making their decisions, everything from what to eat or wear to issues of values and ethics. They are clear on what they do and do not want. Unfortunately, he says, the way we are raised often produces the opposite effect. He uses the example of the child who says he detests spinach but whose feelings are nullified by his mother, who tells him, “We love spinach,” when she could just as easily have said, “I know you don’t like spinach, but you have to eat it anyway for such-and-such reasons.”

Losing touch with your inner knowing can be dangerous. We tend to attribute stress, anxiety, and depression to some ineluctable, fast-paced force of modern life. But those can be symptoms of something deeper—the outer manifestation of the inner tension that churns within us when we are denying our own inner impulses.

Are you listening to yourself?

I find that it takes practice to listen for what your own inner voice is telling you, especially if you’re one of those people (like me) who is better at giving to others than to yourself. One thing I’ve found very helpful is to literally listen to my voice—to listen to how I am speaking rather than what I am saying.

We use this skill all the time to read others. We know that a friend is upset or burdened when we hear her voice crack. We know that our children are happy when they are animated and speak quickly. If we call a parent and we hear a listless, dull voice at the other end of the phone, we know something is wrong. It’s not the words that tell us but the expression in the voice. The tone tells it all.

While we’re accustomed to reading others in this way, we can get so caught up in what’s happening around us that we forget to listen to ourselves. Yet that is exactly what gives us valuable clues for getting back on track. If, for instance, you catch yourself sounding grumpy, impatient, or tired, it’s probably time to ask, “What am I feeling, and what can I do to honor myself right now?” If you hear a worried or frantic tone in your voice, that may be a sign that you need to slow down and get back in touch with the present moment rather than letting speculative fears of the future spin you out of control.

Your voice holds valuable messages if you listen for them—and it’s not just the downturns that speak to us. When you catch that lilt of excitement in your voice or when you hear yourself happily whistling or humming away, take note. What are you doing or thinking about that is making your heart sing? That’s what can bring more joy into your life when you do it again and again.

>> Do you take the time to listen to yourself?

>> What is your inner voice telling you?

>> Are you in touch with your inner impulses—with what makes you excited to be alive?

>> Are you being honest about what your inner voice is saying, and are you committed to following through on it?

Join the conversation and share your comments, questions, and lessons with us.