“The beginning and the end reach out their hands to each other.”

A new article I wrote called “Endings Are Just Beginnings” was published this weekend on the Heal Your Life website. It talks about 4 ways to say goodbye to regrets and honor the endings in your life.  I realized just how unexpectedly apropos this was for the Fourth of July weekend, which celebrates a courageous ending that made way for a grand new beginning.

Here’s something to think about to really bring that spirit of freedom home to your own heart: What will you declare YOUR independence from today?

What’s the tyrant that is holding you back from being all you can be? Is it a not-so-healthy habit you want to let go of? A stifling job? A toxic relationship? Someone who is pushing you in a direction that isn’t right for you? Is it your need to always be right when interacting with others? Constantly living in the past or blaming yourself for situations that aren’t totally under your control? Or the debilitating habit of saying yes to everyone else instead of drawing boundaries and saying yes yourself?

What will you declare your independence from today? It’s an important question that deserves some deep contemplation and, even better, a written commitment where you sign on the dotted line. Think of this as creating your own personal Independence Day—the day you vow to cut the tie, the day you declare your liberation from whatever or whomever is crushing that part of you that wants to fly.

Tips for writing your personal Declaration of Independence:

This can be the start of a new thrust for you, especially when you see this declaration as a pledge—a promise to yourself that you will choose to cut yourself free from the negative habit or toxic tie because it is dragging you down—even smothering you—rather than raising you up.  Sure, it might take some work.  But the commitment, in tangible form, is the essential first step.

The Scottish mountaineer W. H. Murray once wrote: “The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.”

Commit to your freedom today from one key thing that isn’t helping you thrive. See how it feels, and see what happens next. A new beginning is waiting for you.

More resources:
—Honoring and accepting endings is so important that in my book Honor Yourself: The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving I devoted four chapters to the subject of freeing yourself and honoring endings.

—See my new article:  Endings Are Just Beginnings:  How to move beyond breakups, layoffs, and unspoken words with 4 ways to say goodbye to your regrets

What’s in a name? And what names do you call yourself?

First, the story of two kinds of Pepper

A few years ago, I met a young teenager who was bagging groceries for me. I saw from her name tag that her name was Pepper. “That’s a very unique name,” I said cheerfully. When she didn’t smile back, I asked her if she liked her name. “Not really,” she said glumly, looking down at the floor.

Just a couple of days later, I met another Pepper (what are the chances of that?). This Pepper was a phone rep who was answering a question for me about my phone bill. She was upbeat and happy, and I couldn’t resist asking her the same question—did she like her name? “I love my name!” she said. She told me that she had actually changed her name to Pepper because she had a difficult time in junior high school. So in order to make herself “more perky” and put some “spice” into her life, she adopted “Pepper.” What a contrast—one girl felt imprisoned by her name; the other liberated by it.

At a book signing on the East Coast, the importance of names came up again when I met a woman who introduced herself as Irene. She had a foreign accent and when I asked her where she was from, she told me she had come to the United States from Poland 17 yrs ago with her family. At the time, she had known only three words of English and, she confessed, she had cried a lot.

As I went to sign a copy of my book Honor Yourself for her, I asked her for her name. That’s when she told me that years ago she had started calling herself Irene so people would stop mispronouncing and misspelling her name. But her real name was “Irena.”

She spoke that name in beautiful, soft accents, as if she had reached into her heart and shared with me a precious part of herself that she had been hiding away. I could see that “Irena” reflected who she really was and that perhaps she had been sacrificing that secret self in her attempt to fit into her new environment.

I shared with her that my new book is about honoring ourselves deeply in ways that really matter. She stopped for a moment, then said, mostly to herself, “Maybe I should use my real name now.  ‘Irena’ makes me feel happy.” A huge smile broke out on her face. As she said goodbye and walked away, she turned back to look at me, her face still lit up with thoughts of “Irena,” and she said, “Thank you. Thank you.”

The Power of the Names We Call Ourselves

Those incidents got me thinking about the power in our names and how we think about our names—and, even more importantly, the power of the “names” (the labels) we give ourselves. I mean those demeaning names we sometimes use to castigate ourselves in moments of frustration (as in “What were you thinking, you stupid idiot moron!).

I started to wonder what would happen if I paid more attention to what I called myself to make sure it resonated with the person I really was deep down—with that precious part of me that begs to be honored, respected, and nurtured. What would happen if I talked to myself as tenderly as I do to my kitties or as gently as I would talk to a vulnerable little child who is lost—or as respectfully as I would speak to a king or a queen?

We all want to honor ourselves more, and the names we give ourselves is a good place to practice.

Replacing Criticism with Compassion

“Where there is criticism, there is not complete love.”
—Supermundane: The Inner Life (Book I, 1938)

When we love another, we don’t criticize her or put her down; we encourage and support her. Likewise, when we love ourselves, we don’t criticize ourselves; we encourage and support ourselves. Remember, the real you is a spark of the Divine—worthy of the greatest love and honor.

Try this:

• You don’t have to save those tender terms of endearment for your favorite friends or pets. Think of your own “pet name”—one that you would like to be called by when you’re feeling upset, disappointed, or vulnerable. A name that captures the sweet part of you.

• Or if that approach doesn’t appeal to you, trying giving yourself a “royal name” (make up your own or try out this Royal Name Generator for some fun).

• Then the next time you begin to take aim at yourself with the sledgehammer of  criticism and its accompanying negative label, instead call yourself by your pet name or royal name. See if it helps you put what’s happening in perspective. See if it helps you become more compassionate, patient, and less judgmental toward yourself. See if it helps awaken the real you.

I’ve been practicing this myself. The other day when I started to get irritated with myself, I was amazed what happened when I caught myself just in time and called myself “precious” instead of “stupid.” It neutralized the situation right away. It injected compassion rather than criticism into the moment. Instead of letting a bout of self-criticism take over and drain my energy, calling myself by a compassionate name helped me see that the incident wasn’t such a big deal. And that helped me let go and move on to bigger and better things in my day. Thank goodness!

Giving is great, but is it always better than receiving? Is giving better than receiving if our giving ends up knocking us flat on our backs, compromising our ability to give with resilience to others?

When those of us who are out-of-balance givers wake up to the truth that giving isn’t always better than receiving, we want to know how we can start to receive. At my recent book signings in New York and Connecticut for my book Honor Yourself: The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving, that was certainly the theme. People were asking me: “What can I do to become a better receiver?” They really wanted to turn around their habit of not being able to say no to others. Like many of us, they were so good at keeping track of everyone and everything that they had lost track of themselves. It’s a syndrome I’ve come to call “sacrifice on demand.”

My book goes deeply into that subject from many different angles, but here are three keys I talked about at my recent book signings that can help you start practicing a healthy habit of receiving.

1. Ask for support—and look at it as a sign of strength.
Those of us who give a lot also tend to be shy about asking for support when we need it. You might think that asking for support means that you are weak. That’s not true. In fact, when appropriate, asking for support is a sign of strength, and a sign of great love. Why? When you seek support in making the best decisions, it means you care about those who will be affected by your choices. Not only that, but by asking for support you are saying to yourself, “I am worthy of receiving.”

ASK YOURSELF: Where can I use some support in my life?
Remember, support comes in all shapes and sizes. Maybe it’s asking a spouse to make dinner, asking a neighbor to help you lift something heavy in your yard, getting guidance from a trainer for the right exercise routine, or talking through an important decision with someone who has expertise in that arena.

2. Get passionate. One of the reasons you may find yourself constantly getting bumped off your own to-do list is that you don’t have a passion that makes it clear—to yourself and to others—what’s the centerpiece of your life right now. When you have a burning desire to accomplish something, you bet it gets a top spot on your to-do list. What’s not a priority at the moment then naturally falls to the bottom of the list.

ASK YOURSELF: What’s my magnificent obsession? There’s a good article in the June 2010 issue of Psychology Today called “Go Ahead, Obsess!” by Eric Maisel and Ann Maisel. (It’s not yet posted online but you can get it on news stands.) I love their take on engaging in “a productive obsession,” which they define as “putting yourself wholeheartedly into a useful and meaningful passion.” Check it out for some inspiration.

3. Don’t wait for someone to give to you—give to yourself.
The most important person who will ever give to you IS you, and it’s the simple things that make the biggest difference. One day, after a particularly challenging week, I decided to buy myself a bunch of roses. I looked for that beautiful shade of yellow-peach that I love. Later that week, someone was in my kitchen, saw the roses, and asked, “Who gave you those flowers? What’s the occasion?” That gave me the opportunity to affirm out loud what my little present to myself was really all about. “I bought them for myself,” I said. “I’m celebrating . . . myself!”  Those roses made me smile every time I saw them. More than that, buying them was a way of affirming to myself: “I value you, and you deserve these!”

ASK YOURSELF: What gifts will I give myself today?

I invite you to join the conversation and share your thoughts . . .

Then I saw it. For one long, sweet, breathtaking moment, I watched a speckled mama duck proudly waddle across the lanes with a dozen speckled ducklings falling over each other to keep up with her. They tumbled onto the curb in beautiful disarray like something out of slapstick routine as the mama pushed ahead in pursuit of safety. Thank God for careful drivers, I thought. And thank God for mothers.

That heart-opening moment made me think about the fragile things in life and our own role as mother.

We are all mothers. In each of us, there is something young and tender that needs our guidance, nurturing, and maybe even the fierce protection of our love. Identifying what that is at this particular moment in our lives, I realized, can help us play our role of “mother” better. It can help us focus on exactly what most needs our compassionate attention so it can grow to its fullest and express itself.

What are you meant to be mothering within you right now? Maybe it’s a new habit you’re trying to give birth to or an undervalued quality or talent that needs shaping and support. Perhaps what needs tending within you is some aspect of hidden creativity or emotional distress or a mission-driven project waiting to see the light of day.

Are you taking care of your inner duckling?

Are you paying attention to the next part of you that is being born? Or are you too busy to recognize what it is?

When we’re too busy to focus on what’s really important in our lives, the part of us that is just budding or is still a seed can become smothered instead of mothered.

Is there a part of you that, like those little ducklings, needs nurturing and protection—that needs you to honor its presence?

Try asking yourself these questions to find out:

>> What am I being called to give birth to, to mother, or to bring to fruition? What part of me is fragile and in need of protection or even rescuing? What is calling out to be recognized, nurtured, or strengthened?

>> Have I been too busy to give it enough attention?

>> What choices can I make to give that part of myself more room to grow in my life?

>> How can I stand up for that emerging part of myself? Do I need to draw boundaries to make room for this budding potential within me to blossom? How can I do that?

Join the conversation and share your comments, questions, and lessons with us…

In his work, Malsow found that connecting with our inner voice is extremely important. He said that people who are psychologically strong and healthy are “able to hear their inner-feeling-voices more clearly than most people.” They use internal not external criteria when making their decisions, everything from what to eat or wear to issues of values and ethics. They are clear on what they do and do not want. Unfortunately, he says, the way we are raised often produces the opposite effect. He uses the example of the child who says he detests spinach but whose feelings are nullified by his mother, who tells him, “We love spinach,” when she could just as easily have said, “I know you don’t like spinach, but you have to eat it anyway for such-and-such reasons.”

Losing touch with your inner knowing can be dangerous. We tend to attribute stress, anxiety, and depression to some ineluctable, fast-paced force of modern life. But those can be symptoms of something deeper—the outer manifestation of the inner tension that churns within us when we are denying our own inner impulses.

Are you listening to yourself?

I find that it takes practice to listen for what your own inner voice is telling you, especially if you’re one of those people (like me) who is better at giving to others than to yourself. One thing I’ve found very helpful is to literally listen to my voice—to listen to how I am speaking rather than what I am saying.

We use this skill all the time to read others. We know that a friend is upset or burdened when we hear her voice crack. We know that our children are happy when they are animated and speak quickly. If we call a parent and we hear a listless, dull voice at the other end of the phone, we know something is wrong. It’s not the words that tell us but the expression in the voice. The tone tells it all.

While we’re accustomed to reading others in this way, we can get so caught up in what’s happening around us that we forget to listen to ourselves. Yet that is exactly what gives us valuable clues for getting back on track. If, for instance, you catch yourself sounding grumpy, impatient, or tired, it’s probably time to ask, “What am I feeling, and what can I do to honor myself right now?” If you hear a worried or frantic tone in your voice, that may be a sign that you need to slow down and get back in touch with the present moment rather than letting speculative fears of the future spin you out of control.

Your voice holds valuable messages if you listen for them—and it’s not just the downturns that speak to us. When you catch that lilt of excitement in your voice or when you hear yourself happily whistling or humming away, take note. What are you doing or thinking about that is making your heart sing? That’s what can bring more joy into your life when you do it again and again.

>> Do you take the time to listen to yourself?

>> What is your inner voice telling you?

>> Are you in touch with your inner impulses—with what makes you excited to be alive?

>> Are you being honest about what your inner voice is saying, and are you committed to following through on it?

Join the conversation and share your comments, questions, and lessons with us.

Depending solely on others is like taking a long walk in borrowed shoes. If the shoes are even a bit too big or small, they can be very uncomfortable. If you walk long enough under those conditions, you’ll get blisters. Eventually the pain becomes so bad that you can’t go on. That’s what happens to you when you force yourself into a mold that isn’t your own. The remedy: walk at your own pace and in your own shoes.

Admittedly, I’ve been somewhat recalcitrant on this point, and therefore life has generously given me many lessons to teach me to trust myself and to be myself. One dramatic lesson came when I was hiking in the beautiful Teton Range near Jackson Hole, Wyoming, with two friends. Both walked briskly, covering more ground more quickly than I could. At the time, I didn’t think about the fact that nature had endowed these women with long, strapping legs that could scramble up the steep path like mountain goats. Instead, I blamed myself for not being able to match their pace.

“Something is wrong with me,” I thought to myself. “I must really be out of shape. If I just push a little harder, I can keep up.” So that’s what I did. I pushed, and then pushed some more. My strategy worked, but halfway through the hike, the consequences set in. I pulled a muscle in my hip without realizing it. The ache I felt at the time was tolerable until we started the long descent down the mountain. At that point, every step I took was painful. It hurt so much that I couldn’t even bear to carry my small backpack.

I don’t remember much about the sights, smells, or sounds of that day. I don’t remember much of anything except the pain. I forfeited my ability to enjoy the trek by struggling to keep up with someone else. But I did learn an invaluable lesson: if you don’t walk at your own pace, you will only end up hurting yourself.

Over the years, when I’ve been tempted to take an action that doesn’t honor my own style, speed, or destination, I’ve thought back to that experience. In a few cases, I wish I had recalled that episode sooner. It might have saved me the anguish of another long practice session in self-reliance.

The myth: I can make the same choices and take the same steps that have worked for others.

The magic (and the paradox): I value my mentors, but I also ask my own questions, seek my own answers, and shape my own life. I embrace the paradox that to fulfill my reason for being, I must learn from my mentors AND rely on myself.

For your reflection:
“Insist on yourself; never imitate. . . . Do that which is assigned to you, and you cannot hope too much or dare too much.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson

- Are you trying to keep up with someone or fit into someone else’s mold? How?

- Is that limiting your expression of your true self?

- What will you do next to step out of that mold and be your authentic self?

Join the conversation and share your comments, questions, and lessons with us.

We honor ourselves when we ask for the support we need. And yet there are times when life compels us to rely on ourselves because flying solo is exactly what we need.

The following story from the Hasidic tradition of Judaism highlights why self-reliance is indispensable. A young rabbi complained to his mentor that he felt full of life when he studied, but when he turned away from that source of support and went about his daily activities, this mood disappeared. “What should I do?” he asked. His astute teacher replied with an apt analogy: “You must be like the man who is walking through the forest in the dark accompanied by a friend. A time will come when the two companions must part and each must go his own way alone. Neither will fear the darkness if he carries his own lantern.”

When it comes down to it, you have to be able to depend on yourself to light your way. You must be the guiding star in your life and make the decisions that allow you to live and give your fullest. In an odd sort of way, though, we may avoid doing just that because we’re afraid to step out onto center stage.

Do you avoid self-reliance—and at what cost?

At subconscious levels, we may develop a habit of continually sacrificing for or depending on others as a way to avoid the sometimes scary process of stepping out of our comfortable cocoon and developing our real gifts. Developing a habit of over-sacrificing for others can even be a way to avoid the confrontations that we think may come when we begin to assert our right to be at the top of our priority list. All that, however, comes with a cost. Sacrifice can be a mask that we put on and then become so used to that we forget that the face we are showing to the world, and to ourselves, is not our real face.

Don’t get me wrong—sacrifice is a beautiful virtue when it comes from the heart. But to use sacrifice as a way to avoid facing our fears or shaping our own futures, is a cop-out. It’s handing over our choices to someone else. It’s like accepting a supporting role in someone else’s drama when you should be playing the leading role in your own life story.

Every part of life, as it grows and evolves, naturally moves between seeking support and flying solo, between giving and receiving. Only when those elements are in balance can we make real and lasting progress. Navigating the paradox of dependence and independence in relationships requires a keen sense of balance. There can be a blurred line between receiving help and allowing a partner or mentor to control your life—or between giving help and stifling a loved one’s opportunity to grow and blossom. Here are some questions and tips to help you reflect on whether you’re the guiding star in your own life right now.

For your reflection: Are you your own guiding star?

>> Are you in a relationship with someone who is making decisions that you should be making or who is trying to manage your life?

>> What would you like to tell that person about how you are feeling? What would you like to request of him or her? Try crafting what you want to say on paper before explaining it in person. You may even need to send your message in writing to fully express what you find it hard to say in person.

>> Follow up to make sure your partner understands what you are asking and that you both have the same expectations going forward.

Remember: Giving yourself room to be your own person isn’t about pushing the other person in your relationship out, but about counting yourself in.

For more about navigating the paradox of seeking support and flying solo, see my book Honor Yourself : The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving, chapter 4.

(For Part 1 of this article, click here.)

Relationships, like most things in life, are paradoxical. Healthy relationships require an artful swing between dependence and independence, togetherness and solitude. Even in the closest of connections, where mutual support should come with the territory, it’s essential to strike a balance between leaning on another and standing strong and tall on your own.

One of the most valuable pieces of advice I received as a newlywed years ago was from a friend who was also a psychologist. “If you ever notice yourself or your husband becoming snappy, edgy, or just plain grouchy, it doesn’t mean the relationship is in trouble,” she said. “Take it as a sign that you may simply need some healthy time apart.” Her words echoed these lines from one of my favorite writers, the Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran: “Let there be spaces in your togetherness. . . . Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.”

The myth: Constant support, sacrifice, and togetherness create the best relationships.

The magic (the liberating truth and paradox): My relationships are stronger when I also pursue my own interests and nurture my individual strengths.

The real magic takes place when everyone in a relationship, including you, is free to realize his or her full potential—and when you give yourself permission to spend quiet, quality moments doing what energizes you. If an intimate relationship suddenly seems off balance or smothering, be sure you are giving yourself enough time and space to build your own strengths and pursue the desires of your own heart.

For Your Reflection:

>> Do you find yourself becoming easily irritated with your partner? You may become annoyed with those you love not because they are doing something outrageous but because you simply need some breathing space—some time to honor yourself. Having a close relationship doesn’t mean you should give up being yourself. No two people have all the same interests, and it’s not healthy to expect that to be the case.

>> Ask yourself: Are there spaces in your togetherness? Do you allow and encourage yourself and your partner to pursue your own individual interests?

>> Try taking some dedicated time for yourself and allow your partner to do the same. That act of open-hearted generosity will create more vibrancy when the two of you come together again, and you’ll have more to offer each other, and the world, as a result.

Adapted from my book Honor Yourself: The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving

For Part 2 of this article, click here.

What does it mean to “esteem”? Here are some definitions:  As a noun, “esteem” means: worth or value.  The verb “to esteem” means: to set a high value on; regard highly and prize as such; to regard with admiration and respect; to honor.  Self-esteem, then, is self-respect—to value yourself and prize yourself as valued.

But what does self-esteem really look like? That’s the challenge that was set before me by the folks at Beliefnet.com, who asked me to come up with a quiz to help people get a better idea of their own sense of self-worth. The result: a self-esteem quiz based on core concepts in my book Honor Yourself: The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving.

How did I come up with the quiz? First, I looked at my own challenges. Over the years, I’ve definitely had to work on honoring myself—on prizing myself enough to stand up for myself and my priorities (and I’m still working on honing that skill—hence my book on that topic!). Next, I started to open my eyes and observe more closely the healthy and not-so-healthy reactions of others in the down-to-earth, everyday situations we all face. It’s how we handle these daily decisions that reflect how much we really honor ourselves.

If you want to get practical about what self-esteem looks like (and doesn’t), try the quiz for yourself  here.

I’d love to hear if there was anything in the quiz that turned on a lightbulb for you about your self-esteem and self-worth. What did you get inspired to do—or be—more of?

• Did you learn something new about yourself?
• Did you see any new patterns that you didn’t realize were there before?
• Did you make any new decisions about how you are going to act and react? What are they?

Come to think of it, her life is chock full of “firsts.” It was probably the first summer she had ever gotten her face painted and even the first time she had ever stopped by a book signing. It was certainly the first time she was able to read the words off the pages of my new book (she really is reading in that picture!).

Running through all those “firsts” with her was refreshing. After all, that’s what puts the sparkle into life, isn’t it—experiencing new things, or at least doing the things we do as if we are touching, feeling, tasting, and seeing them for the first time?

As I started the new year and pondered the goals I would set for myself, my mind wandered back to my new friend. I asked myself: How many simple and joyful “firsts” had entered my life last year? How many was I banking on this year?

Opening Up to the New and Wonderful

I realized in that moment that we don’t have to be a little child to keep counting our “firsts.” Our new experiences don’t have to stop when we’re 10 years old or 30 or 60 or even 90. In fact, whether it’s biting into a juicy, new kind of fruit we’ve never tasted before or sharing a moment of laughter with a chance acquaintance, it’s the “firsts” that keep the excitement in our eyes and the skip in our step.

I suspect that’s part of what the sages of East and West meant when they talked about “becoming as a little child.” You’ve heard those famous lines from Jesus before: “Whosoever shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven” and “Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein.”

As it turns out, Taoists sages use similar language as they inspire us to become like an “infant” or “the uncarved block.” Those images are ideals for living life as it is meant to be. The infant is a model for returning to simplicity and being fully receptive, exploring life anew without preconceived notions—being childlike in the most beautiful and sensitive sense of the word. Continuing to delight in new “firsts” helps us to hold on to our sense of wonder and delicious expectation. To experiment, open up, and see things in new ways.

Cultivating that refreshing sense of newness and adventure may take some deliberate effort. It’s all too easy to fall into the sameness of our  habits. But if you think about it, there are a myriad of ways to invite new experiences into your life.

You can listen to a different kind of music, paint a brand-new piece of pottery, or watch an entirely new genre of movie or a foreign film. You can try your hand at a new sport or game, intentionally tune in to a program with a different political slant than you usually listen to,  or invite a new acquaintance over for dinner. How about cooking an exotic food you’ve never tasted before or taking a short trip to a nearby town or wilderness area you’ve never visited, slowly savoring the new sights, sounds, and smells. Or simply bite into an ice cream cone with a zany new flavor you never imagined possible.

As for me, I’m not quite ready for skydiving, but learning some Spanish and some new dance steps sounds like a lot of fun! Hola!

Honor yourself—your childlike self—by trying this:

• Without holding yourself back or filtering out any possibilities that come to mind, write down a list of “firsts” you’d like to savor.

• Ask yourself what new acquaintances you want to spend time with and write that down too.

• Add a new “first” to your to-do list each week or month. Instead of collapsing on the weekend into your usual routine, spice things up.

• Take some time after your new “first” to reflect on what you experienced, how it made you feel, what you learned.

• Put a reminder on your calendar in two months to revisit your list of “firsts” and add to it.

What are the “firsts” on your list this week/month/year? I’d love to hear about them. If you have a moment, share them with us by leaving a comment!