As adults, we may still pull out the measuring stick when it’s time to exchange gifts. Not only that, but we tend to think that “giving” happens when we hand over something that is wrapped and tied with a bow and ribbon.

Yet take a moment and think about the times, as a child or adult, when you felt most happy, joyful, or at peace. Were those special times in your life really defined by how much money someone spent on you? Or was it the attention you received or the intimacy and connection you experienced that made you feel exuberant?

The gift that matters the most is the gift of your attention, your time—your presence. That’s what can turn holidays and celebrations into feasts of the heart.

Here are a few ideas to help you tap the power of presence as you give your gifts:

The present of presence.
Instead of a material gift, why not devote some time, one on one, with the special people in your life as your gift? Enjoy a musical event together or a long lunch or a fun activity—just the two of you. When you’re with the other person, practice being really present, avoiding distractions that are so easy to succumb to. Be sure to turn off your phone or Blackberry and let yourself be fully engaged.

The gift of listening.
If you’ve had a touchy relationship lately, let your present be this: Don’t talk. Listen. Try asking questions that show you truly want to hear what the other person has to say (like “What do you need from me right now?”), and then resist the urge to interrupt.

The power of the generous heart.
Make a date to do something the other person enjoys, even if you don’t. If you know your friend, partner, parent, child, or spouse likes to listen to choral music or attend a football game or watch a silly movie, even though it absolutely bores you, do it anyway this once. Throw yourself into the experience. After all, it’s a gift. It’s not about what you’re doing; it’s about what you’re experiencing together and how it makes that person in your life feel.

The gift you give yourself will help others.
“What do I want?” That’s not something we often ask ourselves at Christmastime when we’re busy taking care of others. Try giving yourself something in the middle of all the busyness. If you give to yourself—even if it’s just a little precious time alone, permission to say no to attending one more holiday party, treating yourself to a movie no one else wants to see with you, or even wrapping up a gift you buy for yourself and putting it under the tree—you’ll be doing everyone in your life a favor. You’ll be a much happier person to be around when you honor yourself!

Try one or more of these tips and share your results with us . . .

Endings can be tough on the heart and soul.  Lay-offs, break-ups, or sudden, unexpected life changes can throw us off balance and make us feel unsure about ourselves and our future. When someone or something pulls the rug out from under you, you may find yourself drowning in a caldron of emotions, anything from grief and remorse to anger, fear, or blame.

Whether you’ve experienced a recent loss or are struggling with an ending you’ve never come to terms with, you can move forward more quickly by finding effective ways to release regrets.

Learn 10 important ways to honor endings so you can find closure gracefully, get past the pain, and open the door to new beginnings:  Click here to read my new feature on saying goodbye to regrets on Beliefnet.com

We honor ourselves when we ask for the support we need. And yet there are times when life compels us to rely on ourselves because flying solo is exactly what we need.

The following story from the Hasidic tradition of Judaism highlights why self-reliance is indispensable. A young rabbi complained to his mentor that he felt full of life when he studied, but when he turned away from that source of support and went about his daily activities, this mood disappeared. “What should I do?” he asked. His astute teacher replied with an apt analogy: “You must be like the man who is walking through the forest in the dark accompanied by a friend. A time will come when the two companions must part and each must go his own way alone. Neither will fear the darkness if he carries his own lantern.”

When it comes down to it, you have to be able to depend on yourself to light your way. You must be the guiding star in your life and make the decisions that allow you to live and give your fullest. In an odd sort of way, though, we may avoid doing just that because we’re afraid to step out onto center stage.

Do you avoid self-reliance—and at what cost?

At subconscious levels, we may develop a habit of continually sacrificing for or depending on others as a way to avoid the sometimes scary process of stepping out of our comfortable cocoon and developing our real gifts. Developing a habit of over-sacrificing for others can even be a way to avoid the confrontations that we think may come when we begin to assert our right to be at the top of our priority list. All that, however, comes with a cost. Sacrifice can be a mask that we put on and then become so used to that we forget that the face we are showing to the world, and to ourselves, is not our real face.

Don’t get me wrong—sacrifice is a beautiful virtue when it comes from the heart. But to use sacrifice as a way to avoid facing our fears or shaping our own futures, is a cop-out. It’s handing over our choices to someone else. It’s like accepting a supporting role in someone else’s drama when you should be playing the leading role in your own life story.

Every part of life, as it grows and evolves, naturally moves between seeking support and flying solo, between giving and receiving. Only when those elements are in balance can we make real and lasting progress. Navigating the paradox of dependence and independence in relationships requires a keen sense of balance. There can be a blurred line between receiving help and allowing a partner or mentor to control your life—or between giving help and stifling a loved one’s opportunity to grow and blossom. Here are some questions and tips to help you reflect on whether you’re the guiding star in your own life right now.

For your reflection: Are you your own guiding star?

>> Are you in a relationship with someone who is making decisions that you should be making or who is trying to manage your life?

>> What would you like to tell that person about how you are feeling? What would you like to request of him or her? Try crafting what you want to say on paper before explaining it in person. You may even need to send your message in writing to fully express what you find it hard to say in person.

>> Follow up to make sure your partner understands what you are asking and that you both have the same expectations going forward.

Remember: Giving yourself room to be your own person isn’t about pushing the other person in your relationship out, but about counting yourself in.

For more about navigating the paradox of seeking support and flying solo, see my book Honor Yourself : The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving, chapter 4.

(For Part 1 of this article, click here.)

Relationships, like most things in life, are paradoxical. Healthy relationships require an artful swing between dependence and independence, togetherness and solitude. Even in the closest of connections, where mutual support should come with the territory, it’s essential to strike a balance between leaning on another and standing strong and tall on your own.

One of the most valuable pieces of advice I received as a newlywed years ago was from a friend who was also a psychologist. “If you ever notice yourself or your husband becoming snappy, edgy, or just plain grouchy, it doesn’t mean the relationship is in trouble,” she said. “Take it as a sign that you may simply need some healthy time apart.” Her words echoed these lines from one of my favorite writers, the Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran: “Let there be spaces in your togetherness. . . . Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.”

The myth: Constant support, sacrifice, and togetherness create the best relationships.

The magic (the liberating truth and paradox): My relationships are stronger when I also pursue my own interests and nurture my individual strengths.

The real magic takes place when everyone in a relationship, including you, is free to realize his or her full potential—and when you give yourself permission to spend quiet, quality moments doing what energizes you. If an intimate relationship suddenly seems off balance or smothering, be sure you are giving yourself enough time and space to build your own strengths and pursue the desires of your own heart.

For Your Reflection:

>> Do you find yourself becoming easily irritated with your partner? You may become annoyed with those you love not because they are doing something outrageous but because you simply need some breathing space—some time to honor yourself. Having a close relationship doesn’t mean you should give up being yourself. No two people have all the same interests, and it’s not healthy to expect that to be the case.

>> Ask yourself: Are there spaces in your togetherness? Do you allow and encourage yourself and your partner to pursue your own individual interests?

>> Try taking some dedicated time for yourself and allow your partner to do the same. That act of open-hearted generosity will create more vibrancy when the two of you come together again, and you’ll have more to offer each other, and the world, as a result.

Adapted from my book Honor Yourself: The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving

For Part 2 of this article, click here.

What does it mean to “esteem”? Here are some definitions:  As a noun, “esteem” means: worth or value.  The verb “to esteem” means: to set a high value on; regard highly and prize as such; to regard with admiration and respect; to honor.  Self-esteem, then, is self-respect—to value yourself and prize yourself as valued.

But what does self-esteem really look like? That’s the challenge that was set before me by the folks at Beliefnet.com, who asked me to come up with a quiz to help people get a better idea of their own sense of self-worth. The result: a self-esteem quiz based on core concepts in my book Honor Yourself: The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving.

How did I come up with the quiz? First, I looked at my own challenges. Over the years, I’ve definitely had to work on honoring myself—on prizing myself enough to stand up for myself and my priorities (and I’m still working on honing that skill—hence my book on that topic!). Next, I started to open my eyes and observe more closely the healthy and not-so-healthy reactions of others in the down-to-earth, everyday situations we all face. It’s how we handle these daily decisions that reflect how much we really honor ourselves.

If you want to get practical about what self-esteem looks like (and doesn’t), try the quiz for yourself  here.

I’d love to hear if there was anything in the quiz that turned on a lightbulb for you about your self-esteem and self-worth. What did you get inspired to do—or be—more of?

• Did you learn something new about yourself?
• Did you see any new patterns that you didn’t realize were there before?
• Did you make any new decisions about how you are going to act and react? What are they?

Here’s one way to make the passage a bit easier for you, especially if you were not able to say your last goodbyes. In my travels, I once met a German woman who seemed upset and was having a hard time enjoying her vacation. She told my husband and I tearfully that her mother had recently passed on unexpectedly and she had never been able to say her last goodbyes.  As I shared this same advice with her, her face suddenly lit up.  It had lifted a bit of the burden she felt, and she was very grateful.  (You can adapt this same ritual to help you move through and honor the ending of any relationship or incident in your life.)

1. Carve out some quality time alone.

2. Take a clean piece of paper and write a letter to the heart and soul of a parent, partner, or friend who has moved on. Tell them in this inner message how you feel and what you most appreciated about them. Let them know what you didn’t get to tell them, perhaps even what you regret about your relationship over the years and any pain you felt.

3. Even if you had a difficult relationship with this person, make a point in your letter of recognizing the gifts that he or she passed on to you or the strengths you developed as a result of your relationship.

4. Then burn the letter (be sure to do it in a safe place!) as you ask God (using whatever name you prefer to address the creative Spirit of the universe) to carry this message at inner levels to those who have passed on.

Physical rituals like this can help you bring closure, find a sense of peace, and move on more quickly.

Remember: The greatest gifts that loved ones give us are the gifts that still live on within us. We honor those who have passed on by discovering what they have given us and allowing those gifts to express through us.

Think about this:

•  Are you missing someone in your life?
•  What gifts did he/she give you?
•  How will you continue to express those gifts in his/her honor?

Margaret has been operating for most of her life on the premise that the time we share with a friend is far more important than giving or getting a physical gift. Born and raised in Ireland, she grew up in an environment where children, not adults, received gifts for holidays. One year, Margaret explained how she felt about gift-giving to Sandra, a co-worker who had become a good friend. Margaret pulled her new friend aside and bluntly told her: “It’s time for me to give you the lecture I give all my friends. Don’t get me a Christmas present or a birthday present, because I don’t want one. What am I going to do with more things? If you want to go out to lunch with me, that’s fine because then we get to spend time together. But if you get me a gift, you’ll just have to work harder to pay for it—and then you’ll have even less time to spend with me.”

It was Sandra who shared this story with me. “I actually felt relieved when I heard this,” she admitted, “and I appreciated my friendship with Margaret even more.” Sandra went on to tell me that a few years ago for Christmas, she had decided to do something similar. She told her relatives and close friends that instead of buying them material gifts, she wanted to spend some time alone with them. “It was the best Christmas I ever had,” she recalled, smiling. “I was able to spend time with all my favorite people and I wasn’t rushing around shopping. I didn’t even go to the mall once!”

You don’t have to spend a lot of money to be a good giver. It’s your inner gifts, the ones that touch another, heart to heart, that are the most precious offerings.

(Story taken from “Honor Yourself: The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving”)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Just this week a young mother with three small children told me a similar story that reflected her values: “My husband  and I are choosing to work less so we can spend more time with our children rather than buying them lots and lots of stuff, which they don’t really need. We want to give our children as much time and attention as we can right now—when it’s most important.”

Not all of us have the option of working less, but we all face a similar decision point: What’s more important—spending quality time with the people who mean the most to me?  Or spending time away from the people I love to make more money or do the things I think I’m supposed to be doing to get ahead?

(And by the way, that picture above is of my kitties,  who are constantly trying to teach me—with mixed results—how important it is to spend time in the “now” with the ones we love.)

The sages of both East and West understood the importance of focused attention—of being mindful and fully aware in the now. The Christian monastic Basil of Caesarea, for instance, said, “You cannot succeed in loving God or your neighbor . . . if your mind is perpetually distracted.” To the Zen masters, full awareness of and openness to what is taking place in the moment is indispensable. A famous Zen master put it this way: “When walking, just walk. When sitting, just sit. But above all, don’t wobble!”

It’s impossible to be fully giving unless we are giving our full attention. That may sound obvious and even simple, but how often do we do it? How often do we maintain an unbroken connection with those who need us?

The Unbroken Circle—Learning from Lovers

Giving your undivided attention is a gift that is both nurturing and healing. It breeds that rare and precious commodity of true intimacy and connectedness. To understand this better, think about how you can tell when two people are deeply in love. As the saying goes, lovers only have eyes for each other. Each one’s gaze is fixed on the beloved—so much so that they don’t notice what is going on around them.

When we are locked in that warm embrace of an unbroken circle of energy, we know that at that moment we are the sole object of our partner’s attention. We feel deeply loved and supported. In fact, a focused, heart-centered connection is an essential ingredient for good relationships in any setting.

I watched the transformative power of focused attention in action when I was supervising a large department of editors and researchers. I would be at my desk hearing about issues that needed attention and, at the same time, my phone would inevitably ring, bringing news of some urgent problem that needed to be solved. I didn’t realize how exasperating and even disrespectful my taking those calls felt to my teammates until one of them pointed this out to me.

I started to turn off the phone and let the calls go through to my answering machine when I was engaged in crucial or timely conversations. As a result, I was able to understand and resolve issues more quickly. More importantly, this helped create more connected and compassionate relationships with my co-workers.