Do you turn to your heart when making decisions?

The world’s traditions are filled with poignant lessons that point to the wisdom of the heart. We learn from the sages that the voice of the heart will always tell us the right way to go in any situation.

In the ancient Brihadaranyaka Upanishad, when the sage Yajnavalkya is asked, “Where is the locality of truth?” he answers, “In the heart, for by the heart man knows truth.”

When you are attuned to your heart, you will know the appropriate response to any situation—whether to make a sacrifice for someone else or draw the line, whether to listen or say “enough,” whether to take a stand or let an issue go, whether to leave a relationship or hang on.

Instead of turning to our heart, though, we sometimes make our decisions based on how our defensive ego feels today or what our mind rationally tells us conforms to the rules of right and wrong we’ve grown up with.

Follow the Rules . . . or Follow Your Heart?

This tale from the Hasidic tradition of Judaism shows that rigidly defending the ego or following society’s rules and expectations can close down our capacity to respond wisely from our heart.

Every week a respected rabbi celebrated a weekly Sabbath meal with friends and students. One week, a new guest showed up. As the meal got underway, those attending looked with disdain on the newcomer, who was sloppily dressed and a bit crude. On top of it, seemingly without respect for the rabbi, the man pulled a large radish out of his pocket and gnawed away at it loudly. The rabbi, however, seemed not to notice.

One of the rabbi’s students, unable to stand it any longer, turned to the man and was about to reprimand him when the rabbi interrupted and said, “You know, I wish I had a nice big radish to eat with this wonderful meal.” Hearing the teacher’s words, the new guest reached into his pocket, pulled out another radish, and handed it to his host, who gave him a big smile and thanked him for his kindness.

Simple stories like this are full of symbology. This one tells us that when we catch ourselves judging our own or another’s behavior, we might just need to let the walls we’ve erected come crashing down so we can bask in the light of the heart.

Here’s another lesson that once again shows the power of the heart, this one handed down from the desert fathers, the Christian monks who lived as hermits in the deserts of Egypt. It tells of two young monks who once asked Abba Poemen what he thought they should do if they caught other monks asleep during prayer time. “Shouldn’t we pinch them to make them stay awake?” said the monks, bothered by this apparent disrespect of their holy ritual. “Well,” replied Abba Poemen, their more seasoned brother, “if I come across a brother who is sleeping, I place his head on my knees and let him rest.”

Sometimes the best choices we can make and the best gifts we can give are the ones that violate the rules we have about right and wrong.

Problem Solve from the Heart

The sages teach that being still and centering in our hearts can lead us to the best solutions to any problem. When you are facing a knotty issue or are just confused about what choice to make, look at it from a heart perspective.

• Pick your favorite technique for centering in your heart before making a decision. If you don’t already use a technique, you can simply close your eyes, breathe deeply, and then visualize and feel a flame burning brightly in your heart. You can also recall an experience that makes you feel happy or grateful—a memory that makes the flame in your heart burn more intensely.

• Once you feel a sense of joy or peace, turn back to the issue at hand.

• Ask yourself: What is the best way for me to resolve this issue? What is my next step?

• Then listen for the answer that arises.

Okay, you might think rescue is a strong word. Let’s put it this way: Are you waiting for permission from anyone or anything to do what you need to or want to do? Do you continue to blame others for making you feel unhappy, unfulfilled, unsuccessful, sad, or lonely—and do think that if only they would change, you could start living the way you want to? Then you’re waiting for a rescuer.

We’re all do it. It’s how fast we snap out of it that counts.

We’re all tempted to blame others for how we feel or for how our day is going—and to think that someone else can fix it by coming to our rescue. And most of the time, it’s easier by far to grumble and complain than to stand up and take action for ourselves.

But taking hold of the reins of your life isn’t about what’s easy. It’s about acting on what’s true for you.

I’m always amazed to watch in my own life how this idea of waiting for a rescuer can creep in and lurk around without me realizing it, especially when I let myself get tired or run down or overwhelmed with work. But then I suddenly realize: Who is choreographing how I spend my days? Who is dictating how I fill my time? Who is saying yes and who is saying no? Me, of course.

Taking back your choices

The cornerstone of honoring yourself is taking back the choice for how you feel and what you will do with the moments of your life.

If you believe that it is someone else’s job to “rescue” you, you will continue to accept less than the best for yourself. Because you’re operating in passive mode. You’re abdicating one of the most important rights and powers you have: freedom of choice.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said it this way: “A political victory, … the recovery of your sick, or the return of your absent friend, or some other favorable event, raises your spirits, and you think good days are preparing for you. Do not believe it. Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.”

What happens if we depend on the changing events that come and go in our lives—up and down, up and down—to make us feel at peace? Then we’ll be constantly going up and down too. Handing over the choice for how you feel to someone else is like taking a long, bumpy ride on an out-of-control roller coaster when you should be in the driver’s seat of your own car. Or like accepting a supporting role in someone else’s drama when you should be playing the leading role in your own life story.

Three Steps for Stepping Out of the Blame Game

When you find yourself continuing to blame anyone for anything, you can be sure you have been duped by the subtle and insidious myth that the determining factors in your life are outside of yourself—that someone else is responsible to fill you up or to fix what’s making you unhappy. (And, if you look up the word “victim” in the dictionary, you’ll find that one of its definitions is just that—someone who has been duped.)

Here are some steps you can take to turn blame into a more empowering way of life:

1. Become aware of when you’re taking the easy way out by blaming.

What are some symptoms that you are doing this (besides kicking and screaming)? Complaining and pouting are often forms of blame. Feeling depressed can be a symptom too—a feeling of powerlessness.

2. The next time you find yourself asking in your head or aloud, “How could he/she/it do this to me? What’s wrong with them? How can I get them to change so I can get what I need?” try living with this affirmation instead:

The choice for what happens next in my life is always my own. My choices, my attitudes, and my actions will determine how I respond/act/feel.  I have the power to make a new and higher choice instead of waiting for someone else to rescue me.

No matter what circumstances you are in, no matter what has gone before, you always have the power to make a new choice, a new response—starting now.

3.Then always take a practical step. Make another choice besides complaining or being passive, and act on it.

Instead of complaining about something you aren’t happy with—or inviting friends (or anyone who will listen) to a pity party—reflect on what you are in control of. Ask yourself:  In this situation, what ARE all my choices? What can I (not the others involved) do?

An example: You might not be able to change the people who are hounding you, but you can still draw boundaries and take care of yourself.  It’s not someone else’s job to fill you up, and you don’t need anyone’s permission to do that job yourself. Only you can know when it’s time to take a break or put on your favorite music and relax. You’re the only one who can say no to your best friend’s invitation because you want to be alone this weekend. You’re the only one who can leave a job or relationship because it’s no longer right for you.

Grandma Moses, the twentieth-century American folk artist who started painting in her seventies and lived until she was 101, was a testament to the power of choice. “If I didn’t start painting, I would have raised chickens,” she said. “Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be.”

To take away . . .

• Blame holds you hostage. Only you can rescue yourself.
• We’re all tempted to blame others when things don’t feel good. It’s how fast we snap out of it that counts.
• A cornerstone of honoring yourself is taking back the choice for how you feel and what you will do with the moments of your life.

. . . And to act on

• Are you blaming anyone for how you’re feeling today? What choice will you make to stop waiting for a rescuer and take back ownership of the moments in your life?

This post is based in part on material from Patricia Spadaro’s award-winning book, Honor Yourself: The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving. Read more about the book. Buy at Amazon.com

That’s what I wrote about in my new article in the wonderful Creations Magazine (New York), April/May issue.  Read the full article below or at their site.

(P.S. I took this picture one spring in my garden. It was so symbolic and uplifting to me . . . after a long, cold winter, the daffodil leaves resiliently slicing through those old, dead leaves. Nothing could stand in their way. It made me wonder: How can I be more like that?)

Here’s the article:

WHAT ARE YOU GIVING BIRTH TO?

I was about to turn onto a busy four-lane street, when I saw a red Mustang stopped in one lane with a string of impatient drivers behind it. I thought the girls in the car must have been having engine trouble, but as I made my turn into the traffic, the car in front of me suddenly slammed on its breaks, stopping at the same spot those girls had. What was going on?

Then I saw it. For one long, sweet, breathtaking moment, I watched a speckled mama duck proudly waddle across the lanes with a dozen fluffy ducklings falling over each other to keep up with her. They tumbled onto the curb in beautiful disarray like something out of slapstick routine as the mama pushed ahead in pursuit of safety. Thank God for careful drivers, I thought. And thank God for mothers.

That heart-opening moment made me think about the fragile things in our lives and our own role as mother.

We are all mothers. In each of us, there is something young and tender that needs guidance, nurturing, and even the fierce protection of our love so it can grow to its fullest and express itself. Identifying what that is, I realized, can help us play our role of mother better.

Maybe what you’re giving birth to is a new habit or talent that needs shaping and support. Perhaps it’s a mission-driven project waiting to see the light of day or an ending that needs tending to so you can move on to new opportunities.

What’s the next part of you waiting to be born? And are you giving it the focus and attention it needs? Or are you too busy to recognize what it is or hear its voice?

Are You Listening to Yourself?

Abraham Maslow talked about the importance of being able to hear our own “inner-feeling-voices.” “An important part of self-knowledge,” wrote the prominent psychologist, “is being able to hear clearly these signals from the inside.” Many of us, however, have been trained to ignore our inner signals or put other things or people first. Yet honoring our inner impulses is what puts us in touch with our real purpose and makes us excited to share our passions—to give birth to the next stunningly beautiful part of ourselves.

If you’re one of those people (like me) who is better at giving to others than to yourself, it can take conscious intention and practice to listen for what your own inner voice is telling you. One thing that helps me get reconnected is to literally listen to my voice—to listen to how I am speaking rather than what I am saying.

We use this skill all the time to read others. We know a friend is upset or burdened when we hear her voice crack. We know our children are happy when they are animated and speak quickly. If we call a parent and we hear a listless voice at the other end of the phone, we know something is wrong. The tone tells it all.

While we’re accustomed to reading others in this way, we can get so caught up in what’s happening around us that we forget to listen to ourselves. Yet listening is what gives us valuable clues about how we can best mother that part of us trying to be born. If, for instance, you catch yourself sounding grumpy, impatient, or tired, it’s probably time to ask, “What am I feeling and what do I need? What can I do to honor myself right now so I can give my best gifts to others?”

Likewise, when you catch that lilt of excitement in your voice or hear yourself happily whistling or humming away, take note. What are you doing or thinking about that is making your heart sing? That’s what can bring more joy into your life—and the lives of others—when you give birth to it again and again.

When you’re too busy to focus on what’s really important in your life, the part of you that is budding can become smothered instead of mothered. To honor the nascent potential within you, practice asking yourself:

• What am I being called to give birth to, to mother, to bring to fruition?

• What is whispering within me to be recognized, nurtured, and protected?

• What choices can I make today to give that delicate, emerging part of myself what it needs to blossom?

What’s your answer to this question (try not to overthink this—just go with the first thing that arises when you read this):

“What am I not doing right now that, if I started doing, would make the biggest difference in my life?”

To probe further, ask yourself: “Why haven’t I already moved in that direction? What am I afraid will happen if I make room for this in my life? Is that really a valid concern—or an excuse so I don’t have to face my fears?”

Then to pack some real punch, follow up with: “If that change is so important to my life, what one step can I take this week—even a small one—to banish doubt or useless excuses and move in that direction?”

If you’re committed to living your authentic life, you’ll take that step.

For your inspiration in taking the next step…

“He began to have a dim feeling that, to attain his place in the world, he must be himself, and not another.”
—W.E.B. Du Bois

Depending solely on others is like taking a long walk in borrowed shoes. If the shoes are even a bit too big or small, they can be very uncomfortable. If you walk long enough under those conditions, you’ll get blisters. Eventually the pain becomes so bad that you can’t go on. That’s what happens to you when you force yourself into a mold that isn’t your own. The remedy: walk at your own pace and in your own shoes.

Admittedly, I’ve been somewhat recalcitrant on this point, and therefore life has generously given me many lessons to teach me to trust myself and to be myself. One dramatic lesson came when I was hiking in the beautiful Teton Range near Jackson Hole, Wyoming, with two friends. Both walked briskly, covering more ground more quickly than I could. At the time, I didn’t think about the fact that nature had endowed these women with long, strapping legs that could scramble up the steep path like mountain goats. Instead, I blamed myself for not being able to match their pace.

“Something is wrong with me,” I thought to myself. “I must really be out of shape. If I just push a little harder, I can keep up.” So that’s what I did. I pushed, and then pushed some more. My strategy worked, but halfway through the hike, the consequences set in. I pulled a muscle in my hip without realizing it. The ache I felt at the time was tolerable until we started the long descent down the mountain. At that point, every step I took was painful. It hurt so much that I couldn’t even bear to carry my small backpack.

I don’t remember much about the sights, smells, or sounds of that day. I don’t remember much of anything except the pain. I forfeited my ability to enjoy the trek by struggling to keep up with someone else. But I did learn an invaluable lesson: if you don’t walk at your own pace, you will only end up hurting yourself.

Over the years, when I’ve been tempted to take an action that doesn’t honor my own style, speed, or destination, I’ve thought back to that experience. In a few cases, I wish I had recalled that episode sooner. It might have saved me the anguish of another long practice session in self-reliance.

The myth: I can make the same choices and take the same steps that have worked for others.

The magic (and the paradox): I value my mentors, but I also ask my own questions, seek my own answers, and shape my own life. I embrace the paradox that to fulfill my reason for being, I must learn from my mentors AND rely on myself.

For your reflection:
“Insist on yourself; never imitate. . . . Do that which is assigned to you, and you cannot hope too much or dare too much.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson

- Are you trying to keep up with someone or fit into someone else’s mold? How?

- Is that limiting your expression of your true self?

- What will you do next to step out of that mold and be your authentic self?

Join the conversation and share your comments, questions, and lessons with us.