ARTICLES: WISDOM FOR YOUR JOURNEY

Setting Boundaries

Part 2 in a special series from the upcoming book
The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving:
How to Get Beyond the Myths to the Magic

by Patricia Spadaro
Copyright © 2005. Patricia R. Spadaro.
All Rights Reserved.

To try to benefit others, and yet not to have enough of oneself to give others, is a poor affair.
—Rabindranath Tagore

When others are in need I must always sacrifice for them—myth or magic?

As a single mom, sacrifice was Susan’s* middle name. She believed that giving was the gateway to goodness—that if she gave enough, everything would work out just fine. When her son, Jake, grew to be a young adult and still leaned on her for everything, she knew that something had gone wrong. Jake was in his early twenties and was having problems adapting emotionally. He couldn’t hold down a job and wanted to stay home all the time.

Susan decided to work from home, hoping it would help him get better. Despite her many sacrifices, Jake didn’t improve. Several conversations later with friends and professionals, she realized he needed help. Reluctantly, Jake agreed to try living in a group home within traveling distance. This single act turned out to be a catalyst for transformation—for both of them.

Within three months, Jake improved dramatically. “You think you’re giving your children the best option because you’re making it comfortable for them. But it doesn’t work like that,” Susan later told me. “I had become his crutch.” There was, of course, a time when being there unconditionally for Jake was the right thing to do, but that time wasn’t forever. Now Susan was learning the lesson that in order to give her son more, she needed to give him less.

The new boundaries also freed Susan to take a good look at her own life. With more time to pay attention to herself, she saw that she wasn’t really happy in her career. In fact, she didn’t even like where she was living. She desperately needed new vistas. By carrying around the false belief that sacrifice is the answer to everything, Susan had not only been holding back Jake but had been putting her own life on hold.

Myth: When others are in need, I must always
sacrifice for them.

Magic: To give more, I must sometimes give less.

In an interview with Forbes.com not long ago, legendary management guru Peter Drucker (now 95) said that a critical issue for leaders is to “learn to say no.” “Don’t tell me what you’re doing,” he said, “Tell me what you stopped doing.” We are all leaders—if not at work, then in our communities, in our families or in the most important domain, the domain of self. Whether in business or in daily life we are responsible for how we use our energy. Our energy, our time and our attention are our most important assets. What we choose to do with them—or not to do with them—will determine whether we thrive in our business and in our personal life.

Like those running a successful business, we need to draw boundaries and focus our energy where it is most needed. In addition to serving and giving to others, do you reinvest your resources back into yourself? Do you make sure to nurture and sustain the inner powerhouse that makes the whole operation of your life hum? Or do you become depleted and burned out because you are spread too thin? When that happens we “suffocate” ourselves, which is how Drucker described those who succumb to the mindset that saying yes to everything is best. Leaders who always say yes are very popular, he noted, but extremely ineffective.

Reinvesting in Me

To keep a lamp burning we have to keep putting oil in it.
—Mother Teresa

Where do you put yourself on the list of priorities in your life? Too often we relegate our needs to the bottom of the list (if we’re on the list at all). We take care of our duties and obligations to others first and only then use the energy that’s left over for ourselves. But how often is there anything left over?

What if we reversed that order? What if we made sure our lamp had enough oil in it first? Wouldn’t that help us keep our lamp burning strong so we could give more light to others? To do that, we must draw healthy boundaries. To renew ourselves so we can continue to give and give well, we must embrace the truth—the paradox—that “saying no will enable me to say yes.”

If the idea that “saying no” can be good makes you cringe, know that this principle comes straight out of spiritual tradition. The saints and sages knew how to say no. Like all of us, they needed time alone to recharge and renew. That’s what Jesus did after he fed the multitudes the loaves and fishes. He told his disciples to go into the boat ahead of him and “when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray,” alone.

Even an indefatigable missionary of mercy like Mother Teresa taught that renewal is a prerequisite for strength. She said that is what gives us the energy to continue our mission. Observing that “the contemplatives and ascetics of all ages and religions have sought God in the silence and solitude of the desert, forest, and mountain,” Mother Teresa said that we are called to withdraw at certain intervals. It is when we are alone with God in silence, she said, that “we accumulate the inward power which we distribute in action.” With a somewhat lighter touch on the same topic, John Barrymore once joked that “God said it is not good for man to be alone, but sometimes it is a great relief!”

During the natural ebb and flow of our week we all need relief, and these are the times when drawing boundaries—saying no (politely, of course)—is appropriate. When our energy is ebbing, it’s time to shift gears from an active orientation (of giving and putting out energy) to a receptive one (of receiving). It’s time to plug back in to our energy source and do what most reenergizes us—whether it is walking in nature, listening to a favorite piece of music, playing a game, or simply closing our eyes and breathing very deeply.

Can Giving Be Dangerous to Your Health?

It is a dangerous illusion to believe that one can…give of oneself without recovering one’s strength.
—-Charles Peguy

Drawing “healthy boundaries” is more than a metaphor. Healthy boundaries can, in fact, keep us healthy. More and more scientific research is showing that chronic stress—a symptom of imbalanced giving and receiving and the inability to draw healthy boundaries—has a direct link to our health . A recent study found that women who experienced major stress—or perceived that they were undergoing high stress—had damaged telomeres (telomeres are the sections of DNA at the tips of chromosomes) inside their immune cells. In other words, chronic stress can weaken our health. Dennis Novack of Drexel University College of Medicine said in a Washington Post article that this important new study “demonstrated that there is no such thing as a separation of mind and body—the very molecules in our bodies are responsive to our psychological environment.”

In a 1998 paper, neuroscientist Candace Pert, Henry Dreher and Michael Ruff reviewed earlier studies showing that chronic/inescapable stress and a sense of helplessness negatively affect our immune systems. For example, researchers found that melanoma patients who did not express emotions had more aggressive legions and fewer lymphocytes, a type of white blood cell involved in the body’s immune system, to stem the growth of the malignancy. Researchers also found that those who didn’t express emotions demonstrated appeasement and extreme self-sacrifice. When we don’t draw necessary boundaries, when we suppress rather than express our needs, we are jeopardizing our lives.

Can giving be dangerous to your health? If it keeps you from acknowledging and expressing your valid needs, yes. If it detracts from your ability to continue giving joyfully and abundantly to others, yes. If your giving sabotages another’s growth—or your own—yes, it can be dangerous.

Underneath the myth that sacrifice is always right, lies another, more subtle misconception. Many of us have been taught that if we do not sacrifice for others, we will be abandoning them in their time of need. Yet, as Susan discovered with her son, the opposite can actually be true—when someone is overly dependent on us, our sacrifice stunts their growth and our own. Extreme giving can sabotage our most essential task in life—walking our own path of self-discovery.

Myth: If we don’t sacrifice for others, we are abandoning them.

Magic: When we are true to ourselves, we help others
be true to themselves.

Carol Pearson points out in The Hero Within that because women’s role has been traditionally defined as nurturing and doing their duty, “often women forbear taking their journey because they fear it will hurt their husbands, fathers, mothers, children, or friends.” (Taking our “journeys” does not mean abandoning our families but pursuing an internal quest to discover our highest nature and fulfill our highest potential.) Likewise, she says, men may refuse to take their “journeys” when they believe that their fragile wives need protection and are unable to take care of themselves. Yet, says Pearson, by not taking our journeys or by allowing others to oppress us, we are actually hurting them not helping them.

By reinforcing someone’s dependent behavior, we actually indulge their “less-developed self” and oppress their best self, she says. For example, every time a man “holds back his own journey because of [his wife’s] apparent ineptitude and dependence, he reinforces in her that attitude about herself and hence helps cripple her. Her stronger, wiser self wants to grow and wants him to grow too.” In the same way, “one of the worst things a woman can do for a man’s soul is to allow him to oppress her.” Depending on the circumstances and the timing, giving can be nurturing or toxic, compassionate or crippling.

Hiding Behind Sacrifice

Observe what thy nature asks of thee.
—Marcus Aurelius

Behind most unhealthy behaviors is a fear. Sometimes we may find that we have been clinging to the habit of sacrifice because it secretly gives us an excuse—an excuse to play the role of victim, which placates a fear of taking responsibility for our lives. When we are victims, we abdicate our responsibility and hand over our choices to somebody else. Playing the role of victim is based on the myth that somebody else can make our choices and somebody else can fix our lives.

Myth: Somebody else is responsible to fix
what’s wrong in my life.

Magic: I am in control of what happens in my life.
I create my own reality.

Going deeper still, extreme self-sacrifice may give us an excuse not to spread our own wings, not to dig in and excavate the precious ore within us waiting to see the light of day. We may spend all our time giving to others so that there won’t be any time left over for our primary task—the task of being true to ourselves.

Why would we avoid this soul journey? Sometimes it’s a fear that if we get in touch with our real passion in life, the comfortable conditions we have become accustomed to will change dramatically. We will have to move or take the risk of starting a new career or we will outgrow a relationship. We may have a fear that we’re not good enough, that we might be rejected if we embrace our highest calling. These fears are all natural, but they are just fears—not reality.

We all come into this life with special qualities and gifts we are meant to develop and share with others. By postponing that adventure, we are disappointing many, many people who are waiting to receive our gifts. We turn our so-called sacrifice into selfishness when we keep to ourselves what is meant to be shared. The best thing we can do for the world is not to hide behind the word sacrifice but to make the real sacrifice of stepping into the role we were born to live.

Breaking Down Boundaries That Block the Heart

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.
—The Dalai Lama

Embracing both sides of the paradox of giving and receiving means that at times we must draw boundaries and at times we must tear them down. The Jewish mystical tradition of Kabbalah says this issue is a natural part of life.

It describes all life, in the heavenly world and the physical world, according to an archetypal Tree of Life. The Tree of Life is composed of ten sefirot (or aspects of the divine), some of which act in dynamic tension with one another. Two of these complementary sefirot are Hesed (which means Love or Mercy) and Gevurah (which means Justice, Judgment or Power).

Hesed represents the force in life that is expansive, open and compassionate. When taken to its extreme with no limits, however, this quality can result in unrestrained expansion. Hesed needs Gevurah to set limits. Gevurah provides the form and structure to check the overly expansive nature of Hesed. Without structure, Hesed’s force of love—like a raging waterfall—cannot be contained and harnessed for good. Just as Hesed needs Gevurah, so the opposite is true. When the force of Gevurah exhibits too much restraint in a situation, it can turn into severity, rigidity, criticism and a stifling of the creative force. In fact, says the Kabbalah, this is precisely what created evil—the force of judgment untempered by mercy.

In the extreme, therefore, both of qualities—giving and setting boundaries— can wreak havoc. When Hesed is balanced within us, we are open, kind and spontaneous; if it is unchecked, we may irresponsibly open ourselves to whatever wants to come into our world and we may indiscriminately give away our energy. When Gevurah is in balance within us, we are judicious and discriminating; if its power becomes overbearing, it can turn into stinginess, fear, brittleness and harsh judgment that subscribes to the letter and never the spirit of the law.

The Heart as Harmonizer

The important thing is not to think much but to love much; and so do that which best stirs you to love.
—Teresa of Avila

How do we harmonize these two forces of mercy and judgment that sometimes wage war within us and around us? Like many of the world’s spiritual traditions, Kabbalah teaches that resolution comes through the heart. In Kabbalah, the heart corresponds to another one of the sefirot, Tiferet. Tiferet means Beauty. At the center of the Tree of Life, it is the great integrator and harmonizer. The heart reigns us back in when we are off balance. The voice of the heart will tell us the right way to go in any situation. “Centered in your heart,” says the adept Saint Germain, “you can see all things as they are.”

The world’s mystical traditions are filled with poignant lessons that point to the delicate balance between giving and receiving, between drawing boundaries and doing away with them. They tell us that there are times when we must observe boundaries for the good of all involved and there are times when we must simply throw them out the window.

When the Pharisees accused Jesus of breaking the rules because his disciples were picking corn on the sabbath, he reminded them that when David and his followers were hungry, they ate the loaves of offering that were supposed to be only for the priests. A story from the Christian tradition tells of a monk who had fallen asleep during prayer time. Bothered by this disrespect of their holy ritual, some of the other monks asked a senior member of their order what they should do. “Should we pinch him so he will wake up?” they asked. The older and wiser monk replied, “No, I would place that brother’s head on my knees and let him sleep.”

A tale from the Hasidic tradition of Judaism shows that sometimes the wisest course is to replace our rigid rules and regulations with reverence for the heart. One week at a respected rabbi’s weekly sabbath meal, to which he invites friends and students, a new guest shows up. As the meal gets underway, those attending look with disdain on the newcomer, who is not dressed very neatly and is a bit crude in his demeanor. On top of it, seemingly without respect for the rabbi, he pulls out of his pocket a large radish and loudly chumps away at it. Unable to stand it any longer, one of the rabbi’s students begins to reprimand the man, when suddenly the rabbi comments, “I wish I had a radish to eat with this wonderful meal.” Hearing the teacher’s words, the man perks up, reaches into his pocket and pulls out another radish. He hands it to his host, who happily receives the gift and chumps away at it.

These simple stories are full of symbology. When we catch ourselves rigidly judging what is and is not “acceptable,” either in our own world or in the world of others, we might just need to poke some holes in those boundaries, or even let them come crashing down, so we can bask in the light of the heart.

I often hear people ask how they can deal with a person or a situation in their life that is extremely off balance. While there is no one answer for all situations, start by taking a look at your own role. We can really only change ourselves, and I have found that the more we come back to center, the more the other person in the scenario is magnetized back to center as well. From a practical point of view, when you are centered, you can make better choices. Even if the other person in the situation stays stuck in their position, you will be able to see more clearly what to do.

When I had a job supervising a large department that needed lots of hands-on attention, I saw that sometimes just a little adjustment could go a long way. Although I was supervising this team, I was also responsible for working on a major portion of the work we produced. With the intense schedule and responsibilities, I couldn’t focus much on the team itself and as a result things didn’t always work smoothly. The squabbles that started appearing weekly only took up more of my time and made the pressure worse.

At first I felt like the victim, which was no solution at all. Once I was able to get into my heart and ask myself what I was doing (or was not doing) to contribute to the situation, I saw the choices I could make. I saw that with my rigid attitude and schedule (my boundaries) it was no wonder this was happening. Two simple adjustments helped bring more balance to me and the team. First, I took a look at my office. As you entered the first thing you saw was a filing cabinet and me hiding behind a huge computer screen. Not too inviting. I rearranged my office slightly to be more inviting so that when people entered they could see me. I made room for a chair on the other side of my desk, where my co-workers could sit and feel welcome. Second, I recognized that a couple of talented people seemed to need my attention more than others. I created a reminder on my calendar to check in with them at least once a week if I hadn’t already done so—to make sure we could work out issues before they became time bombs. By tearing down some boundaries, I moved a little more toward center and so did those I worked with.

Boundaries can take all sorts of forms. Do you make yourself unavailable to those you are responsible for and who need you? Does your attitude itself become a boundary to free communication? Do you do most of the talking in a relationship, blocking out the other person’s contribution? Are you the one who always directs the family’s activities on your days off? Try listening more, smiling more or letting someone else hold the reigns for a while and see what happens.

Take the Litmus Test

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
—Bill Cosby

How do we know whether setting boundaries is the issue for us or whether we need to take down boundaries? While it’s usually a little of both for most of us, we tend to favor one side or another. Try asking yourself the following questions as a litmus test to identify which side of the equation you may be on now and where you may need to make adjustments.

Do I believe that I should always sacrifice when another is in need, no matter what? Do I find myself automatically saying yes whenever anyone asks me to help them, only to regret later that I didn’t stand up for my own needs? Or do I politely but firmly set boundaries when I need to?

Does my giving stop others from taking their share of the responsibility or keep them from moving forward in any way? Or do I draw boundaries so that others do not become overly dependent on me to their detriment?

Do I regularly ask myself what I want and need and then specifically schedule that action into my day? Or do I always put myself at the bottom of my “to do” list?

Do I have a hard time expressing my feelings or opinions when decisions are being made that impact me? Or do I speak up for what I need?

Do I suppress my feelings? Or do I express my feelings easily?

Do I hide behind my sacrifices? Has sacrificing for others become an excuse not to spread my own wings? Am I avoiding my own path of self-development by filling up my time doing things for others? Or am I true to myself, honestly appraising what direction I need to be going in and then making the choices that support that need?

Nine Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries

 A human being who does not have a single hour of his own every day is no human being at all.
—Rabbi Moshe Leib

Giving more can help us increase the capacity of our hearts to both give and receive love. Yet there are times when extreme self-sacrifice can be harmful to ourselves or others, times when instead of giving we need to allow ourselves to receive. We all get off balance from time to time. What matters is whether we can recognize when we are off balance and then take steps to restore balance. If you have a habit of sacrificing yourself for others no matter what, here are nine steps that can help you set healthy boundaries.

I practice setting boundaries in small ways. If you are not used to drawing boundaries, it can feel unusual at first. Practice in small ways, whether it is expressing how you feel to a co-worker or asking a family member to turn down the volume on the TV so you can have some quiet. We teach others how to treat us.

I clearly communicate my needs. Most people aren’t mind readers. They won’t know what you need unless you tell them. Be clear and specific about your needs. Ask your spouse, partner, family to take over some of your duties for an afternoon or day so you can take care of yourself. State your needs lovingly but firmly. Drawing a boundary isn’t about making someone else wrong. It’s just about stating what you need and deserve.

I get in touch with how I really feel. Pay attention to your emotions. Research shows that our emotions directly affect our health. You may not be stating your needs or taking steps to meet your needs because you aren’t in touch with how you feel, what you want or what you need. If you’re not used to acknowledging your needs, practice asking yourself: How do I feel right now? What do I need? What will make me happy today? The answer can be something small but significant. Whatever it is, doing it will send a signal to your body and your soul that you care enough to spend your precious time and energy on yourself.

I exercise my choice. When someone asks you to do something or places a demand on you, rather than automatically saying yes, practice asking yourself: What is my choice here? What do I want and feel is right in this situation? Does saying yes support who I really am or what I want and need? Is sacrificing in this case appropriate?

I put myself at the top of my priority list. Don’t wait until your other “duties” are accomplished to give yourself what you need. Schedule in time for renewal so you aren’t the item that gets consistently bumped off your priority list. Don’t look at recharging your batteries as a bonus or a reward but as a bona fide part of your weekly and even daily schedule.

I check in to see how I’m doing. Take time to reassess. Periodically take the litmus test above to determine if there is a specific area where you are having a hard time drawing healthy boundaries or, conversely, where you need to break down boundaries.

I narrow my focus. Good leaders consciously decide what they are not going to do. How can you narrow your focus so you are not so overwhelmed? What can you cut off your list or delegate so that you are investing your precious time and energy in the best places? Intentionally focusing your resources in certain key areas—and withdrawing your energy from other areas—will enable you to continue to give more.

I tune into my heart. Many of the world’s spiritual traditions teach us to access our heart for creative problem-solving. When facing a knotty issue involving your boundaries, pick your favorite technique of centering in your heart (you can just close your eyes, breathe deeply and see a bright flame in your heart—or be still and remember something that makes you feel grateful or happy). Once you feel a sense of peace or joy, ask yourself: What is the best way for me to resolve this issue?

I face my fears. If you think you may be over-sacrificing and giving to others in order to avoid your own quest, ask yourself these questions and write down the answers to help you gain clarity. What do you think you may be avoiding or hiding from? Why? What are you afraid of? We all come into this life with special qualities and gifts we are meant to develop. By constantly postponing your own needs and not pursuing your heartfelt desires, you are denying many, many people who need those gifts that are hiding inside of you. What can you do to take a step toward nourishing your own talents and desires?

*The names throughout have been changed

Read Part 1 of The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving: "Seeking Balance"

Read Part 3: "Honoring Yourself"

E-mail this article to a friend

We welcome your feedback and comments