ARTICLES: WISDOM FOR YOUR JOURNEY

Seeking Balance

Part 1 in a special series from the upcoming book
The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving:
How to Get Beyond the Myths to the Magic

by Patricia Spadaro
Copyright © 2005. Patricia R. Spadaro.
All Rights Reserved.


Introduction:
The Play of Paradox

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
—Walt Whitman

Life is rarely, if ever, an either/or equation. In principle and in practice, life is full of contradictions. It is a balancing act between competing tensions that vie for our time, our energy and our attention, trying desperately to convince us that we must choose one over the other.

We are faced with these dilemmas every day. Should we spend more time with our family or building a career? Should we experiment and take risks or do things the way they have always been done? Do our children need more freedom or more control? Should we move away from home or stay close to our family? Is it better to collaborate or to compete? To manage or to mentor? To do more or do less? Go it alone or get support? Be generous or draw boundaries? Fight back or stay silent?

According to ancient traditions, tensions are not only a natural part of life, they are life. The dynamic tension of opposites is exactly what gives birth to and sustains the ever-changing and ever-evolving elements of our universe. The interaction of the opposite poles of yin and yang, giving birth to each other and symbolized in the Chinese symbol of the black-and-white circle of the T’ai Chi, exemplifies the universal principle that without one part of the pair, the other cannot exist.

Both sides of the picture are essential to the circle of wholeness. We must have both light and dark, masculine and feminine, positive and negative, action and stillness, sunshine and rain, right brain and left brain, the details and the big picture, chaos and order. Without the dynamic interplay between the two, there is only stagnation, decay and eventually death. Creative tension, or what I call the play of paradox, is absolutely essential for life and growth.

The Golden Thread

Out of all things there comes a unity, and out of a unity all things.
—Heraclitus

What is paradox? A paradox involves two elements, truths, principles or perspectives that seem contradictory but are both true. Much of the mystery and meaning, the comedy and tragedy of life are based on paradox. Its most ardent champions are scientists (who are still trying to solve the paradoxes of physics), comedians (who make a living pointing out life’s everyday inconsistencies) and mystics, those adventurers who wholeheartedly connect with the spiritual world while still on earth, the greatest paradox of all.

The sages of East and West speak often of what it is like to be caught inside a paradox. They describe it in ways that challenge us to move beyond our narrow thinking. They tell us that life’s competing tensions are not contradictory but complementary, not mutually exclusive but interdependent. Life, they say, is not a matter of this or that, but a matter of this and that.

Paradox is woven like a golden thread through the world’s spiritual traditions. Jesus, for instance, warned, “Be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.” Saint Francis presented the paradox that “it is in giving that we receive,…and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.” The Buddha told his disciples that taking refuge in the Sangha (the Community) was vital to their spiritual growth, but he also cryptically advised, “Do not look to any one besides yourselves for refuge.” Lao Tze, the founder of Taoism, taught, “To be empty is to be full….To have little is to possess,” and the Sufi mystic Rumi said that God “teaches by means of opposites, so that you will have two wings to fly, not one.”

Were these great spiritual teachers just confused? Did someone make a mistake when they translated their words? Not at all. In the writings and in the lives of the saints and sages, paradox permeates. In fact, one of the major lessons they have come to teach us is that we cannot ignore or chase away the tensions or the opposites, for this is the way the universe operates. Paradoxes are here to stay. We cannot run from them, we can only embrace them and become one with them. For in reality, the apparent opposites are two sides of the same coin and can reside in perfect harmony.

The principle of paradox is nondenominational. No matter what faith, tradition or background we come from, we will confront it. Our job, say the luminaries of the spirit, is to learn to flow with the cadences of life as the universe asks us to bring first one and then the other side of the paradox to the fore in our lives at the right time and the right place—to integrate them both. As one enlightened commentator once said, “ Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.”

When We Don’t Embrace the Paradox

When one is out of touch with oneself, one cannot touch others.
—Anne Morrow Lindbergh

What happens when we don’t embrace both sides of the paradox? Rather than creating breakthroughs, we create breakdowns. If we refuse to honor our own needs, our body may shut down and send us to a hospital bed so we are forced to listen. If we give all of our attention to our body and material needs and we don’t nourish our spirit, our soul begins to ache and we may fall into depression without realizing why. In short, when we are out of balance, we become lopsided. Just like a seesaw that flops down on the right or the left, we hit bottom and stay there because no one is sitting on the other side to create movement.

When we get out of balance, the universe sends its messengers—in the form of circumstances, people, events and issues—to help us get back into balance. It is human nature, of course, to want to run in the other direction or to shoot the messengers so we don’t have to hear the message, but the messenger will just keep on coming until we stop and listen and accept the invitation to dance.

This series explores one of the many paradoxes of life—the paradox of giving and receiving. The delicate dance between giving and receiving touches many areas of our life. Giving has to do with issues of abundance, relationships, self-worth, self-nurturing and discovering what your real gifts are. It deals with the big issue that challenges so many of us—how do I balance what other people need with what I need?

While modern society is ill-equipped to be our teacher in these areas, the sages and spiritual masters of East and West are experts. Through these pages, you will learn their principles for mastering the inner art of giving and receiving. You will learn to recognize the myths many of us have grown up with that, like blinders, keep us from seeing the vast possibilities right in front of our nose. Most importantly, you will learn practical steps you can take to get back into balance. For when we learn the steps, we can perform the dance—and that’s when the magic begins.

CHAPTER 1

Seeking Balance

"You can look the whole world over and never find anyone more deserving of love than yourself." —Gautama Buddha

“I am good when I give to others.” Myth or magic? Although many of us have grown up believing that it is our duty to give, give, give to others, in itself this is only a half-truth—a myth that prevents us from mastering the inner art of giving and receiving. Instead, consider what the world’s great sages tell us: We have a duty to give to others and we have a duty to give to ourselves. The truth is that when we are in need, we must also receive.

The Myth: It is my duty to give to others.

The Magic: It is my duty to give to myself as well as to others.

The principles of giving and receiving that apply to our daily lives are the same principles that operate in nature. “A field that has rested gives a bountiful crop,” said the Roman poet Ovid. The earth must receive enough sunshine, water and nutrients before it can produce a harvest from the seeds that are planted. When the earth has given birth, it must rest to restore its life force so it can give again. How can we give to others if we don’t first nourish and fill ourselves so that we have something to give back?

We create a life of balance when we learn to move with this universal principle that we are intended to give to ourselves as well as to others. There is a season for each. Ecclesiastes, known as “The Teacher,” tells us (in those words made popular in the song by Pete Seeger), “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;…A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;…A time to get, and a time to lose.”

 Learning to Give to Yourself

We are rich only through what we give, and poor only through what we refuse. — Madame Swetchine

Some of us are awesome givers, but not very good receivers. We don’t ask for support. We don’t admit to others or to ourselves that we need any. We don’t even like to accept compliments. We reside on one side of the paradox (“I have a duty to give to others), but we have forgotten about its complement. When this happens, the universe steps in to create balance.

If we don’t willingly give ourselves the self-nurturing we need, our body will eventually make sure we get it. I saw an acquaintance at a meeting who brought this home to me as never before. She had been recovering from a surgery in the last several months and I asked her how she was feeling. “I’m good, but busy again,” she said with a frown. “If I don’t get some time off soon, I’m going to have to schedule a visit to the hospital again!” My heart fell as I realized that she might very well fulfill her own prophecy if she didn’t give herself what she needed. She hadn’t yet learned the lesson her body had been trying to tell her the first time.

Once when I was recuperating from a short trip to the hospital, a friend of mine who was a nurse insisted on coming around several times a day to make sure I had everything I needed. She could see I was having a hard time sitting still and allowing my body to rest, and she wanted to make sure that I did just that. I kept objecting that I felt fine and there was no reason I couldn’t get up. Besides, there were so many things I needed to attend to. She didn’t buy it. “Your job now is to sit still and relax,” she said. She told me that she, too, had once found herself recuperating and having to fight every urge to get up and go. A mentor of hers, catching her up, sent her right back to bed. “It’s where you belong,” she had told her. “You’ve been a nurse for so long, always giving to others. Now you have to learn to receive.”

The Middle Way

Strengthen your body before you strengthen your soul.
—Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav

The issue of giving to ourselves so many times centers around our body. Do we give ourselves the nourishment, rest and recreation we need? The world’s great spiritual teachers emphasize the importance of caring for our body. This same concern is what prompted Gautama Buddha, the founder of Buddhism, to develop one of the major precepts of Buddhism—the Middle Way . Gautama practiced intense austerities, depriving himself of the nourishment he needed, for six years. One day he became so weak he almost died.

Realizing that his sacrifices and severe practices had not brought him closer to enlightenment, he ate a nourishing meal of rice milk. Strengthened, he meditated under a tree until he attained enlightenment. In his first sermon after his enlightenment, he taught that only when we walk the Middle Way , avoiding both self-indulgence and self-mortification, can we attain the ultimate goal of enlightenment on our path. As he later told his students, "On a path where one becomes exhausted and weak, one cannot manifest complete Enlightenment."

Gautama had identified the universal spiritual principle of seeking balance in all we do. This principle applies as much to us today as it did to the budding Buddhists who first heard it. Do we sacrifice the needs of our body because we have adopted the myth that “my one and only duty is to give to others”? Do we ignore the warning signs and the messengers who are trying to get us back into balance?

The Warning Signs

The first duty of love is to listen. —Paul Tillich

The first step to bringing greater balance back into our lives is to recognize the warning signals, the messengers who come into our lives to tell us that we need to make adjustments. Here a few.

Prolonged tension or anxiety. Tension is not bad. It’s what impels us to act, to make changes and to create something new. Prolonged tension, however, especially when we feel it in our body, can be a signal that we have gone too far on the seesaw toward giving to others and are not only neglecting but hurting ourselves. Some of us are used to putting ourselves second and we have been trained to think we are supposed to ignore the signals. Instead, allow yourself to notice the tensions.

Lack of focus. Your mind and emotions will play tricks on you when you don’t listen to your needs. I’ve found that if I don’t take enough time to play or have fun, I sabotage myself. I can’t sit still, I’m distracted and I procrastinate. I have made a decision to deny myself a few moments of playfulness so I can concentrate on the task at hand, but in fact I’ve done just the opposite. I’ve destroyed my concentration by not taking care of this small need. I find all sorts of excuses not to settle down (the garden needs weeding, the dishes need to be put away, the cats need me to play with them)—because I really need the break. (This is especially dangerous when you work at home, but the same thing can happen in the workplace when you don’t take short, needed breaks.) When we refuse to refresh and renew, we subconsciously find ways to sabotage ourselves. Taking that break and the time to focus on what you need will help you settle down. You’ll be better able to focus on your work and care for yourself and others.

Griping. Complaining is actually a way of communicating. We hear it as nagging, but it’s a code for unmet needs. It’s another way of saying, “I’m not supposed to tell you directly what I need (I don’t want you to get the impression that I’m needy) and you’re not picking up my signals, so I’ll have to convey my unhappiness in other ways.” We complain about anything else (the clothes on the floor or the dishes in the sink) when we are really saying that we need help and a time out. If you hear yourself or others griping, it’s time to gently ask what’s really making you (or them) unhappy and then to listen closely for the answers.

Physical symptoms. Our body can react in a range of ways when it needs our attention. What’s important is that you identify your body’s unique signals. Is it tight shoulders, frequent sighing, a headache, having a hard time getting to sleep, clenching your teeth, short-temperedness, frequent tears or anger? These responses are not bad in and of themselves. They serve a function. They are speaking to us.

Blaming. One of the most subtle but important signs that we have bought into the myths and shut out the magic is blaming. When we choose to blame someone else for our unhappiness, we are handing over to them the responsibility for making us happy, for saving us. Giving in to the role of victim, we abdicate one of our most important powers in life: choice. We always have the opportunity and the power to make a new choice no matter what.

Making Our Own Choices

The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice.
— George Eliot

Don’t feel ashamed about blame. Use it to grow. Noticing blame can help us uncover another myth that may have moved in to sidetrack us, keeping us locked into a lopsided approach to giving and receiving.

The Myth: Someone else is responsible to fill me up.

The Magic: By making my own choices, I give to myself what I need.

As long as we believe that it is not our job to bring the scales of our life back into delicate balance, nothing will change. The truth is that it is our job not only to listen to the signs but to respond. It’s our job to take a break, to put on our favorite music, to light a candle, to ask for help or take the weekend off. It’s not someone else’s job to fill us up, and we don’t need their permission to do it.

If you find yourself asking (in your head or aloud), “Why don’t they understand what I need? How can I get them to change and give me what I need?” it’s a sure sign that you are trapped on one side of the paradox. The choices we make and the actions we take are what will change what happens in our life. Do you love yourself enough to meet your own needs, to come to the aid of your own soul? Your best friend is yourself.


Eight Steps to Mastering the Magic of Balance

I believe that we learn by practice. Whether it means to learn to dance by practicing dancing or to learn to live by practicing living, the principles are the same.  —Martha Graham

Pick one or more of these steps and even use them as affirmations to remind you to focus on the magic and move beyond the myths.

I pick up the warning signs. What warning signs consistently appear in your life to tell you that you are out of balance? It’s different for each one of us. Watch for prolonged anxiety, lack of focus, complaining, blaming and physical symptoms.

I tune into the tension and translate it. The tight shoulders and the knot in your stomach are not bad. Physical and emotional symptoms are messengers. So when you feel “a tension,” pay “attention.” Be still, close your eyes and ask yourself, “What do I most need right now?”

I eliminate either/or thinking. Try to catch when you are sinking into either/or thinking—“I have to take care of this now; I don’t have time for myself,” “It’s either them or me, and I can’t abandon them.” Affirm: “I have a right, and a duty, to give to myself. When I am in need, I must also receive.”

I take preventative measures. Take action before you get caught in a lopsided approach to giving and receiving. If you know you develop a headache, backache or shoulder ache every couple of days (or even hours), make sure you get up from in front of the computer and stretch or take a walk. Look out for your own needs. We have needs on all four levels of our being—physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. It’s good to take time (schedule it on your planner if you have to) to check in with yourself. What am I feeling? Which part of me needs attention right now? If you are feeling overly emotional, for instance, perhaps you need to get some emotional support from yourself or others. If you’re tired, you may need some rest or exercise. If you’re bored, you may need some mental stimulation. If you feel “empty” or are seeing your life as meaningless, find out what will get you back in touch with your spirit. Figure out what energizes you and do it. As Ben Franklin wisely advised, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

I give myself rewards. If you’ve accomplished a certain amount of work or met a goal, even a small one, reward yourself. Even little rewards—watching a favorite movie, buying a special book or picture, spending time playing (in whatever way is fun for you)—will retrain your mind and encourage you to give back to yourself.

I take simple steps. If giving yourself a helping hand is hard for you, as it is for many of us, start with baby steps. At a time in my life when my finances were tight, I remember being so stingy with myself. I would discipline myself only to spend money on absolute necessities. The world around me reflected my rigid ways because I wasn’t giving to myself. I wasn’t priming the pump. I wasn’t encouraging a greater flow of energy in my life. When I decided to allow myself an extra special snack once in a while, to loosen up and enjoy it, energy started to move and things started to change. By depriving myself, I was only reinforcing what kind of world I wanted to create.

I accept compliments without objection. How many times do you tell someone who is trying to give you a compliment, “Oh, it was nothing…” “Oh, you didn’t have to do that.” If you can’t receive gifts or compliments from others, you are essentially communicating to yourself and others that you aren’t valuable. When you reject a compliment, you are also saying that you don’t value what the other person wants to give you. If you can’t receive a compliment or a gift, how are you going to be able to receive abundance or the great relationships the universe wants to bring you?

I explore the why. If you consistently have a hard time giving to yourself or receiving from others, explore why. It may be a deep pattern based on what you saw when you were growing up. As children, we unconsciously absorb what we see and accept it as truth. What did the behavior of the people around you teach you? How were you taught to give and receive? What did your parents, or those who raised you or were important in your childhood, say and do in relation to the principles: “It is my duty to give to myself as well as to others” and “ By making my own choices, I give to myself what I need.” How did they treat you and how did they treat themselves? Do you see the same pattern in your life? Now think of someone you admire who is good at staying in balance and modeling these principles. Take them as your new role models.

Part 2 of The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving: "Setting Boundaries"

Part 3: "Honoring Yourself"

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