ARTICLES: WISDOM FOR YOUR JOURNEY

Honoring Yourself

by Patricia Spadaro
Copyright © 2005. Patricia R. Spadaro. All Rights Reserved.

Part 3 in a special series from the upcoming book
The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving:
How to Get Beyond the Myths to the Magic

The world never puts a price on you higher than the one you put on yourself.
—Sonja Henje

I must accept everything that comes my way with open arms—myth or magic?

The wise men and women of ancient and modern times tell us it is essential to stay open and receptive. Resist the temptation to run or to hide from what is before you, they say. Honor everything and everyone as a message or a messenger. Take your hands away from your eyes and welcome whatever walks into your world.

True, we are meant to learn from the events, encounters and emotions that take their turns tiptoeing or trudging through our lives. But does that mean we must receive and embrace everything that shows up at our doorsteps, no matter what it looks like, smells like or feels like to us? Therein lies the paradox, and where there is paradox, the magic can’t be far behind.

While the world’s great luminaries do indeed encourage us to greet everyone whose footprints cross our path, that’s not the whole story. Much less understood, yet just as essential, is their warning not to embrace that which is unhealthy or harmful to our progress on life’s path. Distinguishing between what’s healthy and what’s not requires the special quality of discernment. It requires us to be attuned to what honors and what dishonors our truest self. It means we must learn to listen to the voice of our soul.

Myth: I must embrace with open arms
everything that comes my way.

Magic: I honor and learn from those who enter my life
as much as I honor and learn from myself.

Listen and Discern

You must test and discriminate before you give credence to anything.
—St. Gregory of Sinai

Accepting everything that comes our way is like standing directly in the path of a bulldozer with open arms, or inviting robbers who knock at our door to come in and have the run of the house. At one time or another, all of us face circumstances or people who, given the chance, would run right over us or steal a portion of our precious time, attention or self-esteem. Does our commitment to being kind, loving and spiritual mean we should let them?

While Jesus taught that we should “turn the other cheek,” he also said we should be wise and discerning: “Give not that which is holy to the dogs, neither cast your pearls before swine (pigs), lest they trample them under their feet and then turn on you and tear you to pieces.” A Buddhist story makes the same point quite clearly. A young woman was studying with a meditation teacher to learn how to generate loving-kindness. After her daily meditation practice at home, she would walk to the market, where each day she was met with the inappropriate advances of a merchant. Although she tried as hard as she could to maintain love in her heart for all beings, this rude man was sorely trying her patience.

One day, she became so upset that she chased this scoundrel down the road wielding her umbrella. As she was running, out of the corner of her eye she spotted her meditation teacher walking on the other side of the road, quietly watching the scene unfold. Shamefaced, she walked over to her teacher, explaining what had happened and admitting that she felt like a failure. Her teacher, in the kind, gentle way he was known for, told her that the next time something like that happened, she should gather an extraordinary amount of love in her heart—and then take her umbrella and smack this man right over the head.

The meditation master knew that his young pupil would not learn to truly love others unless she could stand up for herself—unless she could love herself. He knew that she wasn’t valuing her own innate worth by allowing this hooligan to intrude where he didn’t belong. Her teacher also knew that by allowing others to overstep her boundaries, she was inviting resentment and even hatred to enter her heart, the very opposite of the loving-kindness she was trying so hard to cultivate.

As important, he knew his student wasn’t doing the merchant any favors by letting him continue his shenanigans. We harm ourselves as well as others when we allow them to act in a way that dishonors both us and them, whether it comes in the form of emotional abuse, physical aggression, blatant criticism, subtle put-downs, nonappreciation of our gifts, or any action (or non-action) that devalues who we are or who we are meant to become.

Love Doesn’t Mean You Have to Be a Doormat

It’s not what you call me but what I answer to.
—African proverb

What others say to us, or about us, usually offers some seed for our growth. Their actions or reactions, even those that are hurtful, may awaken us to something in our own behavior that we have refused to see, perhaps something we do that hurts them. While you can always search for the golden nugget embedded in even the most uncomfortable situations or harsh words, remember that not everything directed at you is about you. Sometimes others’ actions reveal more about what is going on in their life than in yours. We can help others through their troubles, and we can honor what they do and say, but not at the expense of honoring ourselves.

A story from the life of the Buddha illustrates that important principle, one that is often left out of Sunday school and spiritual anthologies: being loving or spiritual does not mean you have to be someone’s doormat. “I wonder if it’s really true what I’m hearing—that the Buddha will still love those who abuse him and always return good for evil. I don’t believe it,” the skeptical man thought to himself. “I shall set out and see.” Once he arrived at the place where Gautama Buddha was staying, the man walked up to the renowned teacher and began his attack, spewing his harsh criticism and abuse while the Buddha listened. When his accuser finally stopped, the Buddha asked him a simple question.

“If a man declined to accept a present offered to him, to whom would it belong?” asked the Buddha.

“It would, of course, belong to the person who offered the gift,” the man replied.

“My son,” said the Buddha, “you have railed at me, but I decline to accept your abuse and ask you to keep it yourself. As the echo belongs to the sound, and the shadow to the substance, so misery will overtake the evil-doer without fail.” He went on to explain that “the wicked person who reproaches a virtuous one is like one who looks up and spits at heaven; the spittle soils not the heavens but comes back and defiles his own person.” The man realized how foolish he had been. He went away ashamed and later returned to learn more of the Buddha’s teachings and join his community.

Had the Buddha believed what his attacker was saying, he might have begun to doubt himself. He might have given this man permission to define his real worth. Had the Buddha become outraged, he might have lashed out at his attacker, infuriating the man further and escalating the conflict. In so doing, the Buddha would have lost his loving center, his perspective and his ability to see the truth. Instead, Gautama took the opportunity to stand up for himself, go into his heart and deliver with love the truth this man needed to hear.

This story holds more than one lesson for us. It shows that loving-kindness does not require us to be wishy-washy or passive. It also illustrates that even when we are drawing the line, we can do it in a way that is kind and loving as well as frank and firm. How we do something is often as important as what we do. Gautama didn’t take the bait and accuse his accuser of being a horrible person, yet he did make it clear that he would not accept abuse. By not accepting the man’s criticism or taking his words personally, the insults just didn’t stick. The Buddha got out of the way so the man could see himself as he really was.

Being Honest about Our Feelings

We reason deeply when we forcibly feel.
—Mary Wollstonecraft

The words honor and honest come from the same Latin root, honos, and are closely related. In reality, we cannot truly honor ourselves unless we are honest with ourselves.

Self-honesty comes from a deep self-knowing, a knowing that resides in the heart, in the soul, in the gut. Some of us grew up with layers of musts and shoulds that are often in open warfare with what our heart and our intuition tell us. This makes it hard for us to be honest with ourselves when someone or something in our life is an unhealthy influence. It makes it hard for us to distinguish between what we feel is right and what we think we must do because “it’s what’s expected of me.” When we’re not honest with ourselves, we cannot distinguish between challenging situations (where we need to work through our irritation or pain with patience because we are gaining valuable lessons) and situations where we should simply, like the Buddha, refuse to accept the proffered “gift.”

How can we learn to discern the difference? We start by being honest with ourselves about how we feel. Feelings can be a fuzzy area. In our formative years, many of us learned that it was “bad” to express our feelings or even to have feelings. We were told (or shown by example) that acknowledging our feelings was a sign of weakness—that feelings aren’t valid. We may have been told by parents, teachers, authority figures and the sentinels of our society: “Be quiet and do what you’re told,” “Don’t be a baby,” “Keep your chin up—there’s nothing to cry about.” We may have been taught the stoic approach—that it was best to put our feelings aside because someone else’s needs were always more important than ours.

There are times when we are called to sacrifice for others because it’s the need of the hour, and there are also times when our feelings and needs deserve to share center stage. If this balance was missing in your life, you may be in the habit of ignoring how you feel and shoving your feelings in a dark corner. You may have to retrain yourself to see uncomfortable or anxious feelings not as "bad," but as couriers of our inner voice, for they always have message if you can hear what they have to say.

Myth: Giving into feelings is a sign of weakness.

Magic: My feelings serve a purpose and can lead me to my truth.

Feelings are part of our internal guidance system. They are telling us (sometimes subtly, sometimes by kicking and screaming) that something isn’t right. Allowing our heart’s promptings and our gut feelings to inform us, rather than automatically dismissing them, opens a new world of possibilities and choices. The Indian teacher and spiritual leader Swami Vivekananda once said, “Who makes us ignorant? We ourselves. We put our hands over our eyes and weep because it is dark.” Giving yourself permission to feel your true feelings is like opening the eyes of your soul.

I learned this once in the way we all learn best—by experiencing it firsthand. I was having a hard time on a project I had been working on for quite a while. Something was making me uncomfortable. Even though my head was telling me what a great opportunity this was, I was getting more and more anxious and couldn’t figure out why.

During this time, I took a walk with a friend and her puppy. At one point, the leash became twisted around the dog’s legs and ours. As we tried to free all eight legs, I accidentally stepped on the edge of the dog’s foot. He immediately let out a squeal and I jumped. “I’m so sorry,” I told the puppy as I reached down to comfort him and let him know I hadn’t meant to hurt him. Then, as if I had just peered into a giant mirror, I said aloud, “At least he yelps when he’s stepped on. I get stepped on and I don’t say a thing!” Without even thinking, that statement popped out of my mouth, which meant my lament had emerged from the wellspring of my emotions, not from my head.

These hidden feelings surprised me. I’d never acknowledged them in quite that way before. Now I knew why the doubts kept on bubbling up—because I was feeling “stepped on.” I’d been doing my best to suppress this sensation, slamming the lid over my unease every time it whispered, waved or even held up its pinky finger. “That feeling can’t be true,” I’d been telling myself, “this is such a great opportunity! Be quiet!” The denial was only making the anxiety worse.

Being honest with myself was like taking my hands away from my eyes and letting myself “see,” as Vivekananda said. It unleashed a tide of emotions that allowed me to face what was really upsetting me. All along I had been conforming myself to someone else’s outline for success, to someone else’s needs and desires, and ignoring my own. That choice—my choice—was the source of my unhappiness.

Not until I let myself feel could I begin to articulate what was making me uncomfortable. Once I was clear about what was bothering me, I could then look for help to sort out the issues that were important to me and ultimately make a choice that honored my heart’s true desires. Self-honesty, I discovered, is what allows us to honor ourselves and make the decisions that are right for us.

Snuffing Out the Flame

Light the light within you. Do not extinguish it.
—The Teachings of Silvanus

Within two weeks of that incident, I spoke with three other acquaintances who, in relating their own recent experiences, echoed back to me the same themes I had been experiencing. It’s as if we all had the same homework and were comparing notes. As is so often the case in life, we attract to ourselves those who are working on the same issues we are. It’s life’s way of letting us know we aren’t alone, and it’s life’s way of putting us in a position where we can help others by sharing what we’ve learned.

First, I ran into Bill, a friend I had once worked with. In the course of the conversation, I asked about his sister, Sharon, who had also been a co-worker. He told me that Sharon was working at a big hotel and that it had been the summer of her discontent. She was always launching into a diatribe about her boss, complaining to her brother and anyone else who would listen, “He’s the worst manager. He just lets things go and doesn’t fix them until they become too big to ignore. I’ve told him I only want to work three days a week, but almost every other week he adds me into the schedule an extra day because someone’s sick or someone else has quit—and he doesn’t tell me until the last minute!”

Bill went on to say, “Next week, her boss is going on a vacation and then a business trip and she got really upset when he told her, ‘You know, I couldn’t do it without you.’ But Sharon just won’t stand up for herself and she won’t quit. I’ve told her again and again: Just say no. Draw your boundaries.” It was clear that Sharon was very unhappy, and that she felt used, but it was also clear that she wasn’t doing anything about it. She was waiting for her boss to fix the problem when he was obviously incapable of doing so. In the meantime, she was getting more and more resentful and more and more unhappy.

A few days later, a business associate shared her story with me. She said she had recently come to realize that she was undervaluing herself in an important relationship in her life. She was finally waking up to the fact that she had gone out of her way to keep the relationship going because at some level she believed she needed the other person to be successful—a fact she now saw wasn’t true. Then I had lunch with an old friend I hadn’t seen in years and she told me that she had formed a business partnership with someone she greatly admired. However, she had recently come to see that it wasn’t a real partnership. From my friend’s perspective, she was the one doing most of the work and adding most of the value to the project, yet she wasn’t being treated that way.

In each of these cases, I found myself asking: If she wasn’t happy, why wasn’t she doing something about it? Why wasn’t she standing up for herself? Why didn’t she leave that job or that relationship sooner? What was she afraid of? What took her so long to see what was happening?

I’ve learned that sometimes we rationalize that we have no other choice than to tolerate the intolerable. We don’t say no because we fear we might lose that job or that relationship or that great opportunity, as if nothing like it will ever come again. Dig deeper still and you will see that many who are stuck in unhappy situations have come to believe that they don’t deserve any better. They believe they’re not good enough to make it on their own and therefore they think they need the very thing that is causing them so much pain.

Walking Away Can Be Empowering

We must make the choices that enable us to fulfill the deepest capacities of our real selves.
—Thomas Merton

Once we get in touch with our true feelings, explore why we have them and take a stand for what we need, our life changes. The events and people who come in and out of our life shift dramatically. New opportunities, better opportunities, always open up. Our inner flame becomes stronger and brighter.

Diane discovered this when she learned that her employer was playing some underhanded tricks with their clients. She didn’t like it but hesitated to rock the boat. The job seemed perfect otherwise—just the right schedule, the right location and the right career track. Another few months went by and she couldn’t take it any longer. She mustered up the courage to speak to her boss about his unethical behavior. When he brushed her concerns aside, she told him that if he didn’t stop his behavior within a week, she would quit. One week later, Diane found herself walking out the door with a box of her belongings in her arms.

As she paused in the downstairs lobby of the office building to catch her breath, wondering what she would do now—no job, no severance, no leads and a family to feed—an older, well-dressed gentleman stopped next to her. He was having some trouble opening his new briefcase. Diane instinctively offered to help and figured out the problem right away. “You’re clever,” the man said, thanking her. “If I’m so clever,” Diane replied, “then maybe you should hire me.” As it turned out, the man was an architect and had been looking for a good office manager. Diane was perfect for the job. “He was so respectful of me, and the new job paid twice as much as the old one,” she says. “I didn’t have to be worried at all about taking a stand for what I believed or leaving that old job.” In fact, it seems that the universe was just waiting for her to cut herself free so she could move on to this better opportunity.

Sometimes walking away is the right way to be walking. It liberates us to take the next step along our own path. It creates a vacuum for life to work its magic.

Are You True to Yourself?

The more faithfully you listen to the voice within you, the better you will hear what is sounding outside. And only he who listens can speak.
—Dag Hammarskjold

Mastering the paradox of honoring others and honoring yourself requires that you remain open to whatever comes into your world and that you not allow harmful or toxic influences into your life. It requires you to be sensitive to your own unique needs. It requires you to know that what’s okay for others may not be okay for you—and that that’s okay. You can start honoring yourself right now by being honest about your true feelings. Your feelings can lead you to greater wisdom—if you choose to hear the messages they bring. Here are ten questions to help you learn about your feelings and discern whether you are staying true to yourself.

1. Are there situations in my life where I have an underlying feeling of discomfort or doubt, but I keep trying to convince myself with “facts” that my feelings must be wrong?
   
2. When I get uncomfortable or anxious, do I quickly sweep that feeling away, ignore it or drown it out by staying busy?
   
3. Do I often tell myself that I must buckle under and accept every circumstance that comes my way—that it’s my job to grin and bear it?
   
4. Do I assume it’s my duty (and not my partner’s) to fix all the problems that arise in our relationship?
   
5. Do I take everything people dish out and then feel bad or resentful about it later because I didn’t stand up for myself?
   
6. Do I have a hard time standing my ground when I’m feeling dishonored, violated or taken advantage of?
   
7. Do I let unhealthy situations or nonsupportive people linger too long in my life without taking any action?
   
8. Do I enter into partnerships or relationships where there is not equal support and contribution—where I am the one who is consistently giving the most to keep the relationship (business, partnership, project) going?
   
9. Am I in a situation where I always sacrifice my time, my desires and my needs to help others?
   
10. Do I feel unfulfilled, sad, irritated or grouchy because situations in my life seem to be holding me back from doing what I need to or want to do, or from developing or giving my gifts to others?

Five Ways to Honor Yourself without Dishonoring Others

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
—Eleanor Roosevelt

The inner art of giving and receiving calls us to strike a balance between what we give to others and what we give to ourselves, between what we allow ourselves to receive and what we simply will not accept. Once we are honest about our true feelings, we become clearer about what is important to us. We can understand what has to end and why. If we can take the additional step of leaving blaming and nagging behind, we will free up a tremendous amount of energy to pursue what really matters to us. Here are five keys that can help you practice honoring yourself without dishonoring others.

Tune into your feelings, don’t dismiss them. We get valuable feedback not just from our head but from our heart and our gut. Consciously make time to listen to your instincts and trust your feelings. Schedule time to check in with yourself and ask yourself: How am I feeling now? What are my feelings trying to tell me? If you have a hard time acknowledging or identifying how you feel, buy a journal, take some quiet time and start writing the answers to those questions in your journal once a day. Writing is an effective way to expose hidden feelings.

Get clear on what you really want. If it’s hard for you to figure out what you really want in a troublesome situation, take a look at the situation without evaluating the people who are involved in it. First, ask yourself questions like the following and write down the answers on paper. For example, if you’re facing a tricky situation at work, ask yourself: What would my ideal working relationship with a boss (co-worker, business partner, client, etc.) look like? What do I require to make that relationship work? What are my needs? What would my ideal behavior and actions look like in this kind of relationship?

Next, write down the current reality from your perspective: What does the situation or relationship look like now? How does it match up to what I want and what I need? What behavior and actions have I taken (or can I take) to make the relationship work? Now that you are clearer on what you need in any relationship, you can make changes in your behavior or make requests to bring the situation closer to your ideal. If there is a huge gap in your ideal and the current reality, and it’s painfully evident that you’ve done everything you can to create a positive outcome, change is in order.

Take actions that honor yourself—you deserve it. Ask yourself the following questions and then act on your answers: What can I do right now that would make me feel good about myself? What actions can I take to create a feeling of greater peace or joy? It can be as simple as turning off the phone and letting your calls go through to an answering machine while you have time to focus or have fun, or asking someone in the family to make dinner once a week. By taking actions, even small ones, that honor yourself, you are training others how to treat you and they will follow your example. Likewise, if you accept unhealthy behaviors from others, you are broadcasting to them that how they are treating you is just fine.

Create a healthy response that doesn’t degrade or dishonor others. We don’t have to make others wrong in order to take actions that are right for us. Not everyone’s needs and desires are the same. You have the right to state what is true for you without justifying yourself, and you have the right to take action that may displease others. You can also state your needs without criticizing others or making someone else feel small. Be grateful for lessons learned that enable you to move on rather than beating up on the person who helped you learn the lesson. Without them firing you, leaving you, cornering you, etc., you might still be asleep or stuck in your old rut.

Ask for help, but make your own decisions. When you’re unclear how to deal with a situation, it always helps to get an objective viewpoint. Ask someone who is not emotionally invested in the situation to help you look at the circumstances. Get advice from someone who is an expert in that field. We all need help to get through challenges. It’s not a sign of weakness to seek that help, but a sign of real strength. It’s an act of love—for ourselves and for others who will be impacted by our decisions—to get the support we need to make the best decisions. Once you get the information you need from the experts, however, insist on making your own final decisions. You must be the guiding star in your life.

Note: The names throughout have been changed.

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