ARTICLES: WISDOM FOR YOUR JOURNEY

Give Yourself Away
and Honor Your Heart

Part Two

(Read Part One)

by Patricia Spadaro
Copyright © 2006. Patricia R. Spadaro. All Rights Reserved.

From a special series on The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving: How to Get Beyond the Myths to the Magic

What Are We Teaching?

We must not only give what we have; we must also give what we are.
—Desire Joseph Cardinal Mercier

“Mom, I want to be just like you when I grow up,” Tara told her mom as they were in the car driving home one day. “Why do you say that, honey?” her mom asked from the front seat as she wove in and out of traffic with the same skill she negotiated the myriad details that made up her days. “I like the way you get things done,” the little girl replied decisively.

“I had a little talk with my daughter after that,” her mother later told me. She was an expert at juggling lots of things, including being a mother, working full time at a high-powered job and handling the emergencies of her professional life that popped up at any time of the day or night. But that’s not the first thing she had in mind to teach her daughter. “I explained to my little girl that there was more to life than ‘getting things done,’ and that what we do with our heart, how we treat other people, is even more important.”

Whether we consider ourselves teachers or not, we are. Children, as we know from watching any two-year-old, like to imitate, and what they take in is far more than meets the eye. In fact, Dr. Maria Montessori, the first woman in Italy to receive a medical degree and the founder of the Montessori method of education, coined the term “absorbent mind” to describe children up to the age of six, who, like sponges, absorb everything around them.

I remember standing at a street corner one day at the same time a woman and her two children were waiting to cross the street. The signal flashed its warning not to cross, but my friend and I were in a hurry and we edged over the curb, stretching our necks forward to see if we could beat the traffic and scurry safely to the other side of the street. The woman turned to us and gently said, “That wouldn’t be a good example for the children.” We looked down to see two big pair of eyes looking up at us. I think twice now at traffic lights.

It’s not just children who watch and absorb, though. It’s anyone—and everyone. You may not think of yourself as an example to others, but the wisdom teachers tell us that life, even in spiritual realms, is organized so that there are those we are meant to help and to teach and there are those we are meant to learn from. Whether we’re on the job or at home, waiting at a street corner, taking a coffee break or standing in a long line of frustrated people at the grocery store, we are teaching. And lest you think that even your smallest actions have small effects, think again.

Just as scientists tell us about the “butterfly effect”—that a butterfly flapping its wings in Louisiana can eventually create a tsunami in Southeast Asia—so the sages remind us that what we give and how we give can literally change the world. Confucius, for example, pointed out the direct effect our individual behavior has on world conditions when he explained that in order to put the world in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; and to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life. Liu I-ming, an eighteenth-century Taoist, expressed the same sentiment when he wrote: "A sage said, 'If for one day you can master yourself and return to considerate behavior, the whole world will return to humanity.' Do you think humanity depends on yourself or on others? This is indeed the subtle point of this passage."

How we live is our greatest offering to the world. That’s why the great sages emphasize the importance of working on ourselves and engaging with the process of personal growth, no matter what system we choose to practice for our self-discovery. They tell us to be on the lookout for the teachers life sends us and that we can often recognize the greatest catalysts of growth in the most unlikely places.

An old story, perhaps from India , illustrates this point. It tells of a woman traveling alone in the mountains. One day, she discovered a precious stone in a stream and placed the stone in her pack. Later, she came upon a man who was hungry. When she graciously opened her sack to share her food with him, the man at once noticed the stone. Realizing that it was worth so much that if he sold it, he could live off of it for the rest of his life, he asked her for it. She immediately handed it to him, and off he went, smiling at his turn of fortune.

A few days later, however, he retraced his steps and returned, stone in hand, to find the woman. “Wise woman,” he said, “thank you for the gift of this precious gem—it is indeed extremely valuable. But I am returning it to you with the hope that you will give me an even greater gift. Please give me what is within you that allowed you to give this stone away to me.” As it turns out, who we are and what we do inspire others far more than anything we can ever say.

What’s Your Definition of Success?

Everything is yours, but on the one infinitely important condition: that it is all given.
—Thomas Merton

In a culture that is surfeited with images of success and status that are defined by the highest price we can pay for cars, clothes, homes, vacations and technological gadgets, it’s hard to remind ourselves, or our children, that “success” is not ultimately measured by the things we can buy and the number of zeroes at the end of their price tags.

Our clamoring for more doesn’t really produce more happiness. As Thomas Harris wrote in his classic I’m OK—You’re OK, our “clamoring for something bigger, better, and more” all comes from the desire of the vulnerable child within us to feel more OK. He says that even as adults, we carry around a hidden belief we took on as children that we are simply not OK. He says that long after the childhood events took place that made us conclude “I’m not good enough,” we may continue as adults to accumulate more and more material stuff in order to prove to ourselves that we are okay. We somehow believe that amassing more will prove that we are okay and cover up our fear of being cheated, abandoned, disliked, made fun of or made to feel weak and unloved. But more outer stuff doesn’t resolve unhappiness. This is like the little boy, says Harris, who was asked on a children’s television program what he got for Christmas. “I don’t know,” he said, distressed, “there was too many.”

If how much we amassed made us happy, we wouldn’t be hearing about so many of the rich or famous or their offspring who are addicted, depressed or destructive. In his book The Pursuit of Happiness,social psychologist David Myers reported on the factors that make us happy, gleaned from thousands of studies conducted worldwide. Income, he found, is not one of them. The studies found that people in poorer countries are not unhappier than those in rich countries.

Myers also tells us that while the per-person income in America in 1957 (expressed in today’s dollars) was only half of what it is today, and while today’s income levels give us the ability to buy twice as many material goods, Americans aren’t more happy as a result—in fact, they are less so. In a 1957 survey, 35 percent of Americans said they were “very happy” compared with only 31 percent in 1991. As he wrote in a Psychology Today article digested from his book, “Wealth is like health: Although its utter absence breeds misery, having it is no guarantee of happiness….Happiness is less a matter of getting what we want than wanting what we have.”Factors such as savoring the moment, taking control of our time, getting rest and giving priority to relationships, he says, are far more important to achieving happiness.

Money magazine columnist Jean Chatzky surveyed over 1,500 people for her book You Don’t Have to Be Rich and also found that money doesn’t play as big a role in happiness as we think. She says that “even when it's working in your favor, money can't make you completely happy” and that once a family’s income reaches $50,000, more money doesn’t make people happier.

The enlightened ones of all cultures long ago saw through the myth that happiness and success are defined by the size of our purse. The magic, they discovered, is that happiness and success are not dependent on how much we get, but on how much we are able to give away. (That doesn’t, however, mean they rejected the idea that money is a valuable resource and can be used for good, a topic I’ll touch on in a moment.)

Myth: Success is measured by how much I am able to get.

Magic: True success depends not on my ability to get more,
but on my capacity to give more.

There is a corollary to this principle, one that is just as important. What underlies the concept that our success depends on our capacity to give is the fundamental law of the universe (another paradox) that says: The more we give away, the more we get.The more we increase the flow of anything through our lives, the more we have flowing. It’s like priming a pump, or as Anne Morrow Lindbergh said, “The more one gives, the more one has to give—like milk in the breast.”

Myth: The more we keep for ourselves, the more we’ll have.

Magic: The more we give away, the more we get.

We honor ourselves when we live in harmony with our true nature. In a universe that naturally and continuously gives and receives, we honor ourselves when we do the same—when we realize that when we receive, we are meant to share. “Nothing is our own, everything is only a loan,” the German-born Jewish mother Gluckel of Hameln wisely wrote in a memoir she created for her children in the late seventeenth century. In our own sphere of influence, we are caretakers of what has been entrusted to us, and sharing what we’ve been given automatically brings more into our lives.

Why is this so? Simply put, as we show that we can be trusted to wisely use both inner or outer resources of any kind (whether they come in the form of opportunities, money, connections, talents, material goods), the universe brings us (“loans us”) more. It’s like establishing good credit. Thus, one way of looking at success is that it is characterized by the abundant flow of energy, our willingness to share what we have received—our resources, our talents, the lessons we have learned, the quality of our hearts. The more we give, the more we are able to give. As the ancient Chinese sage Lao Tze wrote: “The sage has no need to hoard. When his own last scrap has been used up on behalf of others, he has more than before. The more he gives to others, the more he possesses of his own.

Jesus taught the same essential principle in his cryptic parable of the talents, where he compares the fate of three different servants. Their master gives each of them “talents” to care for while he is away on a trip (a “talent” was a unit of currency in those days). On his return, the man found that two of the servants (one to whom he had given five talents and one to whom he had given two talents) had traded the money they were given and doubled it. But the third servant, whom he had been given just one talent, buried it for safekeeping because he was afraid. Chiding the third servant for not making better use of the money by putting it in the bank to earn interest, the master takes his talent away and gives it to the servant who had earned the most.

Although the “talents” are literally a form of currency, as with all parables, this story is a metaphor, and a profound one. The more we wisely use what we have been given by a gracious universe, the more we will have at our disposal to use again. The more we open our hearts, the more our hearts are capable of receiving, and giving again.

Larry, for example, the owner of a successful and growing health food store, says that his business is thriving not because he’s a good businessman (“I don’t know the first thing about running a business,” he confesses), but because he’s doing something he loves, something that allows him to give from the heart. He loves to serve people and to help them find ways to heal, sharing a way of life that has been of such benefit to him.

When we come to understand that everything is “on loan,” that we are each like messengers who come bearing gifts that have been given to us for a time—both inner gifts and outer resources—we don’t hang on to or hoard those gifts. We honor ourselves and the Great Giver by passing on what has been entrusted to our care. Our giving and receiving becomes as natural as the rhythm of our breath, in and out, over and over and over again.

Money Misconceptions

The wealth of a generous person is like a lake that is always full.
—Valluvar

The principle that “the more we give away, the more we get” goes for money too. While we tend to think that the enlightened ones distained abundance, that’s not exactly true. What they warned of was turning money, and what it can buy, into our life’s first priority, our god, rather than using it for good and freely passing on what we could. It’s not money, they said, that’s the issue; it’s our relationship to money. For example, the passage often referred to from Christian tradition that money is the root of all evil is not complete. That quote says that “the love of money is the root of all evil,” the coveting after money, our attitude toward it.

In fact, another myth, one to be developed for another time but one we would do well to keep in mind when speaking about money, is the myth that the physical world is less important than the spiritual world, or that the physical is even “bad.” Contrary to this idea, the wise ones tell us that the spiritual and material worlds go hand in hand. They are interconnected and integrated. Both are designed to be reflections of the divine.

Using an Eastern analogy, the spirit is like the sacred breath of life that can perform its beautiful melodies through its instrument, its flute—us. (The word spirit actually comes from spiritus, Latin for “breath” or “inspiration.”) When we are in harmony with things spiritual, the spirit can play its song through us. In actuality, the spiritual and the material need each other to complete their full potential. While the spirit is the animating force behind our physical world, so the intangible can only become tangible and can its work in this world through us.

Thus, it is completely natural for us to use the physical world and our physical resources to express our spiritual natures. Spirituality is not escaping from the craziness of the world to slip into nirvana, but integrating with the physical world to transform the craziness. One of the great spiritual teachers of modern India, Ramana Maharshi, once gave this advice to a student who wanted to leave behind his family and his job to serve God: "Renunciation doesn't mean giving away your money or abandoning your home....No: a true renunciate actually merges in the world and expands his love to embrace the whole world."

In this way of looking at things, money and material things aren’t negatives; they are tools. After all, it takes money to sustain ourselves, to have shelter and clothing and food. It takes money to build orphanages and schools and hospitals, to help people who are less fortunate than we are. We can do much good with our abundance when we build from the heart. Yet we may unwittingly block abundance from coming into our lives when we harbor the attitude, at conscious or subconscious levels, that money is essentially “bad” or even “filthy.” You are meant to have all the abundant resources you need to fulfill your role in life!

The Magic of Flow

It is in giving that we receive.
—Prayer of Saint Francis

The world’s major traditions all speak of charity as essential—not just for those who will receive it, but also for those who give it. We gain from opening our heart and giving ourselves away. Developing generosity is one of Mahayana Buddhism’s major precepts, one that is said to increase our capacity for compassion. In that tradition, giving (dana in Sanskrit) is the first of six paramitas, or perfections, to be practiced on the path of the Bodhisattva, the Buddha-to-be. The Bhagavad Gita, from the Hindu tradition, teaches, “Nourish the gods and the gods will nourish thee….He who enjoys what is given by them [the gods] without giving to them in return is truly a thief.”

In Judaism, tzedakah (charity in the sense of giving aid and money to the needy or to worthy causes) is considered a responsibility, a duty. In some branches of Islam, zakat, or giving a portion of one’s wealth as alms or charity, is one of the five pillars of Isam. The apostle Paul extolled charity above even faith and hope, saying “charity never faileth,” and the famous Prayer of Saint Francis tells us that “it is in giving that we receive.”

Judeo-Christian culture has a long tradition of tithing (from the Old English word meaning “tenth”). Tithing is giving ten percent of one’s income back to God. In effect, tithing is saying “thank you” to one’s source of spiritual nourishment and it is based on this simple idea: giving back to life is life-giving.

These principles are not theoretical but highly practical, and it’s not hard to put them to the test. You’ve probably done it yourself without realizing it. Have you ever emptied your closet or cleaned your garage and suddenly had something new, something you needed, come into your life? Nature naturally abhors a vacuum, so whenever we create a vacuum—whether it’s by giving away our old clothes, using whatever resources we have to help others, or even ending an unhealthy relationship—the vacuum will be filled. We may not always get back just what we expected, but our gifts will return to us, often multiplied.

At a critical time in my life, when I had lost a job and was going through what seemed like a time of intense challenge and trial, I found myself in a cycle of cutting back and giving away. I cleaned my closets and dropped off bags of clothes to the Salvation Army. I vigorously chopped away at overgrown bushes and shrubs in my yard and cut away dead branches so new growth could appear. On my knees, I ruthlessly pulled weeds from the garden and the lawn. I even cut my hair shorter. I increased the time I worked with my favorite nonprofit organization. It was a hard time but a healing time, one that signaled the end of one season and the beginning of another. These physical actions were just the outer manifestation of what was taking place within me, cutting out the old, getting rid of the clutter, trying to see more clearly and making room for fresh buds. I soon created a vacuum for wonderful new opportunities, new friendships and needed changes to appear in my life.

If you ever feel depressed or stuck in any area of your life, go back to this formula. Break the old pattern. Start the flow of something new by getting rid of what you don’t need but someone else does, by engaging is some charity work, by giving yourself away to someone else and honoring your heart. When you give of yourself and open the flow, you won’t be stuck for long. A friend of mine actually applies this idea whenever he is experiencing a challenge with finances. Instead of waiting for the money to come in before he offers his tithe, he gives his tithe ahead of time for the exact amount he needs—to increase the flow and prime the pump. It hasn’t failed him yet.

We honor ourselves, our very reason for being, when we each, in our own way, give the best of ourselves to others. Shantideva, the eighth-century Indian sage, poet and monk, expressed this simple truth when he wrote in his Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life the beautiful soaring prayer of the one who lives and breathes to give: “May I be like unto a healing drug for the sick! May I be the physician for them and also tend them till they are whole again!...May I be an inexhaustible treasure for poor creatures!... May I be the protector of the helpless! May I be the guide of wayfarers! May I be like a boat, a bridge and a causeway for all who wish to cross a stream! May I be a lamp to all who need a lamp!”

Ten Tools for Honoring Your Heart through Giving

If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give.
—George MacDonald

When we want to improve or change something in our lives, we have to focus on it. Here are some techniques that can help you honor yourself and others by learning how to give wisely and from the heart.

Ask different questions. If you find someone in your life—a partner, spouse, co-worker—who is irascible, sullen or standoffish, catch yourself when you have the impulse to jump to conclusions and to say, “What’s wrong with them?” Instead, ask, “Why are they hurting, and what do they need from me?” Often we complain when we’re not getting what we need but can’t find a way to articulate it. Help the people in your life discover their hidden needs.

Give unbirthday gifts. Do you only give on special occasions or when you are expected to give? Try showing up with an unbirthday gift to let others know how much you appreciate them or to help someone who is suffering and in pain. Become observant and meet another’s need before he or she asks. The spontaneous gift from your heart will not only help others, but it will help you keep your heart open—which means you will have the capacity to receive more.

Be creative with your gifts. The next time a special occasion comes up, rather than buying a present at the last minute, put your heart into the process and be creative with your gifts. Go into your heart and ask yourself what would really touch the heart of the person you’re giving to. (Or if you can’t figure it out, ask them!) Innovate, and remember that the best gifts aren’t the biggest or most expensive. Consider spending quality time with someone as a gift from your heart. If you have more than one child, for example, think about giving him or her a coupon that promises a one-on-one date with Mom or Dad.

Extend yourself. When you are feeling tension in a relationship, giving can be a springboard to resolution. In fact, without it, there is no real resolution. I’m talking about the kind of giving where we go outside our comfort zone to make choices that may at first feel uncomfortable, but in the long run will help us grow and give the best of ourselves to a relationship we’re invested in. Invite a co-worker you don’t get along with to lunch. Strike up a conversation with someone who treats you as a competitor. When you send cards at Christmas or other holidays, don’t just focus on your friends, but send cards to people you don’t necessarily get along with. Add a heartfelt expression of your desire to understand and get to know them better.

Give your full attention. Do you give your full attention to the key people in your life, at home or on the job? When communication or connection seems to be breaking down, be sure to draw a circle around your conversations to keep out whatever will distract you from giving your full attention. Do what it takes to sustain the circuit of energy between the two of you. Simply turning off the TV and the telephone (cell phone included) and looking directly into someone’s eyes can be healing and comforting to you both.

Be aware of what you are teaching. We teach others—children and adults—by who we are and how we act. Our behavior always speaks louder than our words. Are the children and adults in your life learning from you that giving is about more than just keeping score and amassing more? Consciously find opportunities for yourself and your children to serve others and make a difference in people’s lives. Honor the hearts of others in your life, including children, by taking time to appreciate them and to tell them how much and in what way their special gifts (their talents or aptitudes) have helped you.

Learn to recognize what you are giving. We are giving all the time, deciding how to use the energy at our disposal and determining what form and shape it will take. In other words, our interactions with others are stamped with our personal energy signature. But do we always recognize the impact our “energy creations” have on others? If you want to reexamine what you are giving, just notice how others react to you. In a difficult interchange, ask yourself: “What was I giving that created that reaction? Is that what I really intended to give? Was I giving from my heart?” In an exhilarating interchange, ask: “What gift did I give?” Then appreciate and give gratitude for your ability to offer that gift to others.

Get unstuck by changing your giving patterns. Ever feel as if your feet are in cement or that things just aren’t moving in the right direction? Time to change your pattern of giving in order to create a new pattern of receiving. Often, we need to toss something out of our lives before the new can enter. Nature abhors a vacuum. When you are overly self-reflective or self-absorbed, try doing exactly the opposite of what you’ve been doing. Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about someone else. “To ease another’s heartache,” said Abraham Lincoln, “is to forget one’s own.” Volunteer somewhere. Lend a helping hand to a good cause. Clean out a closet and give away what you don’t need. Having challenges with your finances? Take a portion of what you’re earning, even a small one, and give it to a good cause. Prime the pump.

Nurture your inner flame. From time to time, we all have a hard time opening our heart and wanting to give. If you are shut down and just don’t feel like giving wholeheartedly, first find out what you need in order to feel excited about giving your all. (Also see tips at the end of “Five Ways to Honor Yourself without Dishonoring Others,” earlier in this series). You can also use meditation and visualization to help soften your heart. Teachers of different spiritual traditions describe our inner light as a flame that resides within our heart. When you are feeling pain, numbness or anger, you can visualize a white fire or a violet-colored fire (violet is the color associated with transformation and forgiveness) around your heart and within your heart. Feel the flames breaking down the walls of hardness and hurt and to expose the beautiful, radiant light of love that is native to your heart.

Share your insights. We learn more quickly and permanently when we share with others what we are learning. Share an insight from this article that you found particularly helpful with someone and tell them why it helped you. You can ask if he or she ever encountered a similar issue and how they made progress on that point. Perhaps they have a creative solution they can share with you or that you can share with them.

Note: Some names and minor details in stories have been changed to protect the privacy of those who have shared their lessons on life’s path.

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